Hot Bald Chick Ain't Comin' Back - Sorry Buddy

When I went bald during chemo the first go around I had 2 friends who were married.  They were hilarious and we would have very in depth and interesting convos to say the least.  They are open minded about their thoughts and we would discuss different topics and toss ideas around.  They helped to open my mind to different thoughts... I loved our convos! We were very blunt with each other and didn't hold much back which created a large amount of trust between the 3 of us.  The reason for this info is to provide a little insight into our relationship and why it was ok for the conversation to happen in the first place.

When I was about 1/2 way through my chemo in 2008 I was of course smooth and bald.  I smiled and laughed everywhere I went.  We were all hanging out and my friend's husband made the comment about me being "the hot bald chick."  So that has been my nickname ever since.  He was happy that hair had started to come back but at the same slightly disappointed because I was a cutie without hair - if I may so myself.  Fast forward to the other day when I posted that "no balding for this chick" and a personal message came across a few hours later with this...

hey i just told [husband] the good news and he is super happy for you but then got a little disappointed that you wont be the hot bald chic again, now youre just the hot chic and apparently the bald thing makes it x10. (hope you got a laugh out of that, if not, we are giant assholes and apologize)

This made me crack up laughing because I could really see them having this conversation, his face of relief that I didn't have to go through chemo, and then as he realized I wasn't going to be bald anymore and her cracking laughing and trying to comfort him.  I appreciated the laugh, recently these guys moved away to live their dream and I so miss them but can't be happier for the two of them.  They moved the week I found out and really missed having her around to go and grab a drink with me.  I could tell her anything without worry that she would say anything and she would give me her blunt feelings about it.  Thank you lady for that!

There is a large part of me that is happy that I don't have to go through chemo again but at the same time, it is the part of the treatments that made me learn so much about myself.  I learned how to stand tall with my head held high and not care who looked at me or what was said.  It gave me the strength and confidence that I hadn't had prior.  Let's not forget the not shaving for about 8 months, automatic air conditioning to the scalp, and a few other extras.  All I'm saying is, it is an experience that made me stronger and if I had gone through it a second time, maybe I could have learned more about myself.  But, I am COMPLETELY ok with not having chemo any day of the week.

Speaking of confidence in yourself.... I wish more people would have confidence in themselves.  There are plenty of strong people out there who don't believe in themselves and then there are those who think they are the world.  The only person who will believe in you and pull you through situations is yourself. You can have the support of the people around you but you have to have the strength to pull yourself out of the depths of your personal hells sometimes.  I went to my personal hells several times during 2008 and I had to find that strength to climb those dark, slippery tunnel walls back to the surface.  (When I was in these moments, I saw myself in a well type of hole with a bright light sooooo far away and I was in a cold, dark, moist place.  Sometimes it felt like I was falling through levels only hitting a false bottom, crash through it to the next level.) My family and friends held me and supported me through those times but it was me fighting my demons inside and keeping myself from being buried alive mentally.  Because I had to do that, I developed a confidence that made me stronger and more stubborn.  I am proud to be who I am and I show it.  I am not cocky in the way I carry myself and talk but confident. Unfortunately, people read my confidence as a threat or cockiness.  Those are the farthest things from my mind when I meet you.  I am a down to earth, loving individual. Do I have opinions - strong ones occasionally, yes - do I have thoughts that aren't main stream, yes - am I afraid to do things I've never done before, hell no I went skydiving for crying out loud, am I afraid of making mistakes - horribly terrified of making mistakes but I'm not afraid trying things, offering ideas and testing them out.   Please take the time to meet me and get to know me before you make opinions about me or other people.

I think one of the sexiest things about people (male or female) is when they are confident with themselves, hold their heads high even in times of great pain, and know who they are and what they want out of life.