Monday, April 30, 2012
Been a hectic last few days. Cancelled my trip to see friends in TN, caught up with a friend and watched "5 Year Engagement", birthday party and getting ready for the surgery here at the house. It's kinda bad to say I am sure, but I now have a routine before surgery - prep the house and cook enough food for the time I'm down. I am ready to get this thing out. It is starting to get sore for no reason, hate feeling it just being there. Just one more day. Tuesday I find out what time the thing comes out and hopefully end up still having an implant. Let's get this show on the road!!
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
Beautiful Day!!!
Ok... really it was rainy and slightly chilly, but beautiful to see the rain coming down to water the grass and fill the streams for the animals to drink, chill of the morning and the warmth of the afternoon, and walk out to the sun and blue sky. I think having cancer makes you appreciate the small things in life more or at least see them more.
Today, my strength kicked back in and I was able to walk with my head held high, confident smile on my face, and no tears in my eyes. I met with my surgeon Dr. Dagher first thing this morning and we discussed the plan for surgery next Wednesday. As he is telling me the process, he explains there is a risk that since the tiny stinkin' tumor is on my implant, he might accidentally rupture the implant. I immediately stop, give him the eye, and say "now, let me explain to you that I have faith (emphasizing faith) in you, that you will not rupture the implant and make me a 1 boob girl." We all laugh in the room. I am not the doom and gloomer patient, I bring laughter to the situation which is why I think I have the relationship with the doctors. I am prepared for the surgery to happen, in fact some ways excited. Means we begin, and get this over with quickly.
I've been touched by the amount of love from new and old friends and strangers willing to take time to pray for me and my family. I can never say thank you enough. God is good and alive!
Today, my strength kicked back in and I was able to walk with my head held high, confident smile on my face, and no tears in my eyes. I met with my surgeon Dr. Dagher first thing this morning and we discussed the plan for surgery next Wednesday. As he is telling me the process, he explains there is a risk that since the tiny stinkin' tumor is on my implant, he might accidentally rupture the implant. I immediately stop, give him the eye, and say "now, let me explain to you that I have faith (emphasizing faith) in you, that you will not rupture the implant and make me a 1 boob girl." We all laugh in the room. I am not the doom and gloomer patient, I bring laughter to the situation which is why I think I have the relationship with the doctors. I am prepared for the surgery to happen, in fact some ways excited. Means we begin, and get this over with quickly.
I've been touched by the amount of love from new and old friends and strangers willing to take time to pray for me and my family. I can never say thank you enough. God is good and alive!
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
Whoops Went Crazy Again 2008
Rough Day
I have been overwhelmed by the words of encouragement and love over the last few days. It has brought up so many emotions that I am emotionally drained I believe today. Today was hard - I just wanted to curl up in a hole and cry. I canceled my trip I had been planning for the last few months to help save PTO and everything else. I am going to miss seeing those people that I so enjoyed being around in my last job but especially my TK. She is awesome if you haven't had a chance to meet her!
What to do my last healthy weekend before I try to break my body down in order to save it???? When you really think about what I'm about to do to my body, sometimes I wonder is it really worth it all. You are actually killing your body in order to get better. I think I'm truly ok with the chemo and radiation - not that I really want it however I can handle that, it's short term. The part I'm having difficulty with is their "hormonal therapy." When I think of it, it just breaks this strong, stubborn girl and makes her cry and become weak. The last thing I want is to be come a fleshy shell of a person with no natural female traits. The decision to come will bring me a low and I hope I can make a logical decision and not an emotional one.
I'm still figuring this blog thing out - so bare with me as I play and learn. Keeping a smile on my face and in my heart. I got through this once with a smile - I can do it again with the support of great friends and family! Let's get to kickin' some cancer ass!
What to do my last healthy weekend before I try to break my body down in order to save it???? When you really think about what I'm about to do to my body, sometimes I wonder is it really worth it all. You are actually killing your body in order to get better. I think I'm truly ok with the chemo and radiation - not that I really want it however I can handle that, it's short term. The part I'm having difficulty with is their "hormonal therapy." When I think of it, it just breaks this strong, stubborn girl and makes her cry and become weak. The last thing I want is to be come a fleshy shell of a person with no natural female traits. The decision to come will bring me a low and I hope I can make a logical decision and not an emotional one.
I'm still figuring this blog thing out - so bare with me as I play and learn. Keeping a smile on my face and in my heart. I got through this once with a smile - I can do it again with the support of great friends and family! Let's get to kickin' some cancer ass!
Sunday, April 22, 2012
Back to the beginning.....
April 2012 I was home and felt a knot in the same spot as my cancer. This knot was a familiar feeling - hard, round, and tender. I immediately the next day began calling my oncologist and surgeon. They were both out of town but my surgeon squeezed me in first thing the following Monday. I spent 3 hours with him and my plastic surgeon making sure it wasn't implant related. The knot was 5 mm and sitting right on top of my implant. Being ever so gentle, Dr. Dagher numbed the area up and went in for a fine needle aspiration. I felt him hit the knot - I could tell he was concerned about me feeling it and trying to figure out what to do, I told him "just do what you gotta do now." I laid there trying to not move and fight through the pain. Knowing the routine, I knew I'd hear something by Thursday.
On Wednesday, he called my at 4:30 asking where I was and concerned that I was at work he gave me his personal cell phone number and told me to call him when I got home. I knew at this point, it wasn't just a scar or crazy capitulation of the implant. He apologized to me for having to give me this news. I handled a lot better than the last time. He scheduled an appointment for me to visit with a radiation oncologist and again all the scans and tests.
After talking to Dr. Mack, the realization that I was getting ready to be put through radiation for sure, chemo and hormonal therapy potential began setting in. I had a chest wall recurrence which apparently is most common when there is a distance cancer somewhere... meaning organs or other areas were effected. That put things in check. During the tests the next day, all I could think about was where it was and we were getting through this thing one way or the other. At 6pm on Friday evening, Dr. Dagher called and let me know that all the tests were clear and normal so surgery was scheduled for May 2. Now just to see some friends and prepare myself for the next steps.
On Wednesday, he called my at 4:30 asking where I was and concerned that I was at work he gave me his personal cell phone number and told me to call him when I got home. I knew at this point, it wasn't just a scar or crazy capitulation of the implant. He apologized to me for having to give me this news. I handled a lot better than the last time. He scheduled an appointment for me to visit with a radiation oncologist and again all the scans and tests.
After talking to Dr. Mack, the realization that I was getting ready to be put through radiation for sure, chemo and hormonal therapy potential began setting in. I had a chest wall recurrence which apparently is most common when there is a distance cancer somewhere... meaning organs or other areas were effected. That put things in check. During the tests the next day, all I could think about was where it was and we were getting through this thing one way or the other. At 6pm on Friday evening, Dr. Dagher called and let me know that all the tests were clear and normal so surgery was scheduled for May 2. Now just to see some friends and prepare myself for the next steps.
Round 1 *Ding*
After purchasing my home in September 2007, I noticed a knot in my chest. I was working to get my new home in shape and get my husband back on his feet. I knew people who'd had several cysts and I was too young for anything to be "bad". In January 2008, I noticed the knot was still there and tender. My doctor set me up for an ultrasound of the knot. When the results came back as a solid mass and not a cyst, he sent me to a surgeon almost immediately to get a biopsy, trying to reassure me the entire time "it is unlikely it's anything, but let's just be safe." I met the most amazing surgeon, Dr. Dagher. He came in on his day off to see a 25 year old patient he'd never met before. He performed a biopsy and said the results would be on Thursday. When I arrived to work on January 16, 2008, my world changed forever.
My records were merged together and caused an issue with my phones and he ended up calling my work number. When I checked my voicemail and heard my surgeon's voice, my gut churned. He told me, once I called him back, that in his 10 years of being a surgeon, I was his youngest patient he'd diagnosed with breast cancer. I broke down, my world started spinning, I couldn't speak, and in utter disbelief. The process started immediately; genetic testing, MRIs, CT scans, bone tests, and all the other fun cancer screening options but none of this matter because I had to make a decision about surgery.
Through this entire process from the point I was told to the end, I remembered what my grandpa Duncan said when I asked him why he had to have cancer. "I don't ask why I have cancer, God knows what you can handle. If it wasn't me who had this, it would be someone else going through it." I remembered those words constantly, when I started getting down. God knows I could handle it, at times it was challenging to keep a smile on my face but I knew He would take care of me and I had the love and support of so many great people.
What 25 year old, wants to make a decision to have a mastectomy, much less a bi-lateral mastectomy. What would my husband think, what will it look like, how will it feel? The last thing I wanted to do was worry about it popping up again and having more surgeries and chemos in the future, so I decided I would have a bi-lateral mastectomy. The decisions were made after talking to my general surgeon and my plastic surgeon. Both of which were extremely knowledgeable and caring. They took the time to explain everything and allow me to cry on their shoulders when the moment hit.
Dr. Dagher introduced me Kim, who'd been through it at age 30. It made it easier since I felt alone because of my age. She helped to comfort me by answering my questions and helping to clear away my fears.
Once I was able to gather myself together, I began joking with my doctors. They understood I wasn't avoiding the situation or taking the situation lightly but that this was me - focused on the positives and push through this massive weight I'd been given.
On February 25, 2008, I had a bi-lateral mastectomy, axillary dissection, and expanders for reconstruction. When I arrived for surgery, I was blown away by the family both mine and Chris' that showed up to support us through this. We said a quick prayer led by Chris' grandfather Joel when my name was called to go to surgery prep. Chris was with me until they rolled me back to surgery. After 7 hours, I went to a private room to rest and recover. The pain, I can't describe, when I woke up the burning on my chest - everyone was so intense. I couldn't breathe because I'd been on a ventilator for so long my lungs weren't kicking back in immediately. Once they kicked back in, the pain of breathing was horrible. I remember the look on my parents faces especially my dad when I tried to scoot up and it was too painful and asked him to not touch me or help. He was strong but I could tell it killed him to see me lying there in my hospital bed in so much pain. My mom, she just wanted to take my place so I didn't have to. Chris stayed by my side for the next 2 nights in the hospital. I couldn't have asked for a better and loving husband.
Over the next few weeks, I stayed home overwhelmed by the people I worked with. They made us food so Chris wouldn't have to work, the cards of encouragement, and checking in on me. When I returned to work, I walked in to round of applause that broke me down in front of everyone. The people I worked with at this time, were amazing. We joked, we laughed, and they supported me when I was weak. They asked questions and I was honest in my responses.
I started chemo on April 11, 2008 after talking to Paul at the cancer center. The cancer center was amazing, their support and compassion helped me through this difficult time. I became their baby almost, they made sure my every need was taken care of, they learned my "schedule" of sickness and what set me off. They supported my Harvest Yankee Candle that would make a ring around my face so that I wouldn't get sick by the smell of the center and help me unwrap my 1/2 a pack of Spearmint Orbitz gum before they flushed my Port-a-Cath out. 2 weeks after my first treatment, my hair began falling out. Chris was out of town that weekend and when he returned he shaved my head. He let me snot and cry all over his bald head. I tried to joke through the sobing "it's not every day a husband gets to shave his wife's head." I tried to wear wigs and wraps for about 2 weeks but I quickly realized if someone doesn't like me because I'm bald, then I don't need them around anyways. I wore my baldness proudly. I had a cute round head. I kept my eye lashes until the chemo when I lost the last one. We went to the beach that year in June and it was nice being bald - I didn't have to worry about shaving my legs and had automatic AC if I got hot. After 6 rounds of chemo, on July 24, 2008 I took my last round of chemo. I don't remember much during this time since I spent 1/2 this time in an anti nausea medicine coma to keep from getting sick. My mom would come sit with me after chemo while Chris went to work. She would just sit there, quiet, and I remember one time I made her watch the Sweeney Todd barber movie with Johnny Depp and I could hear her shock with the movie. She was such a trooper.
I had 2 lymphnodes that were positive which is why I had 30 lymphnodes removed during the axillary dissection. I was on the border for getting radiation but I decided to not go with it. I wanted my body back after 7 months of tests, pokes, and prods. I now have lymphedema in my right arm requiring me to wear a compression sleeve to keep it from swelling too much.
I was so happy to be done with this part of my life, now to the reconstruction phase. I'd been getting injections of saline to expand the muscles and tissues so Dr. Anagnos could reconstruct my breast. In September 2008, I received my final set of twins. There were several small cosmetic procedures done after this to complete this process. Upon completion of everything, I celebrated by going skydiving.
I thought I was done with the big C....
My records were merged together and caused an issue with my phones and he ended up calling my work number. When I checked my voicemail and heard my surgeon's voice, my gut churned. He told me, once I called him back, that in his 10 years of being a surgeon, I was his youngest patient he'd diagnosed with breast cancer. I broke down, my world started spinning, I couldn't speak, and in utter disbelief. The process started immediately; genetic testing, MRIs, CT scans, bone tests, and all the other fun cancer screening options but none of this matter because I had to make a decision about surgery.
Through this entire process from the point I was told to the end, I remembered what my grandpa Duncan said when I asked him why he had to have cancer. "I don't ask why I have cancer, God knows what you can handle. If it wasn't me who had this, it would be someone else going through it." I remembered those words constantly, when I started getting down. God knows I could handle it, at times it was challenging to keep a smile on my face but I knew He would take care of me and I had the love and support of so many great people.
What 25 year old, wants to make a decision to have a mastectomy, much less a bi-lateral mastectomy. What would my husband think, what will it look like, how will it feel? The last thing I wanted to do was worry about it popping up again and having more surgeries and chemos in the future, so I decided I would have a bi-lateral mastectomy. The decisions were made after talking to my general surgeon and my plastic surgeon. Both of which were extremely knowledgeable and caring. They took the time to explain everything and allow me to cry on their shoulders when the moment hit.
Dr. Dagher introduced me Kim, who'd been through it at age 30. It made it easier since I felt alone because of my age. She helped to comfort me by answering my questions and helping to clear away my fears.
Once I was able to gather myself together, I began joking with my doctors. They understood I wasn't avoiding the situation or taking the situation lightly but that this was me - focused on the positives and push through this massive weight I'd been given.
On February 25, 2008, I had a bi-lateral mastectomy, axillary dissection, and expanders for reconstruction. When I arrived for surgery, I was blown away by the family both mine and Chris' that showed up to support us through this. We said a quick prayer led by Chris' grandfather Joel when my name was called to go to surgery prep. Chris was with me until they rolled me back to surgery. After 7 hours, I went to a private room to rest and recover. The pain, I can't describe, when I woke up the burning on my chest - everyone was so intense. I couldn't breathe because I'd been on a ventilator for so long my lungs weren't kicking back in immediately. Once they kicked back in, the pain of breathing was horrible. I remember the look on my parents faces especially my dad when I tried to scoot up and it was too painful and asked him to not touch me or help. He was strong but I could tell it killed him to see me lying there in my hospital bed in so much pain. My mom, she just wanted to take my place so I didn't have to. Chris stayed by my side for the next 2 nights in the hospital. I couldn't have asked for a better and loving husband.
Over the next few weeks, I stayed home overwhelmed by the people I worked with. They made us food so Chris wouldn't have to work, the cards of encouragement, and checking in on me. When I returned to work, I walked in to round of applause that broke me down in front of everyone. The people I worked with at this time, were amazing. We joked, we laughed, and they supported me when I was weak. They asked questions and I was honest in my responses.
I started chemo on April 11, 2008 after talking to Paul at the cancer center. The cancer center was amazing, their support and compassion helped me through this difficult time. I became their baby almost, they made sure my every need was taken care of, they learned my "schedule" of sickness and what set me off. They supported my Harvest Yankee Candle that would make a ring around my face so that I wouldn't get sick by the smell of the center and help me unwrap my 1/2 a pack of Spearmint Orbitz gum before they flushed my Port-a-Cath out. 2 weeks after my first treatment, my hair began falling out. Chris was out of town that weekend and when he returned he shaved my head. He let me snot and cry all over his bald head. I tried to joke through the sobing "it's not every day a husband gets to shave his wife's head." I tried to wear wigs and wraps for about 2 weeks but I quickly realized if someone doesn't like me because I'm bald, then I don't need them around anyways. I wore my baldness proudly. I had a cute round head. I kept my eye lashes until the chemo when I lost the last one. We went to the beach that year in June and it was nice being bald - I didn't have to worry about shaving my legs and had automatic AC if I got hot. After 6 rounds of chemo, on July 24, 2008 I took my last round of chemo. I don't remember much during this time since I spent 1/2 this time in an anti nausea medicine coma to keep from getting sick. My mom would come sit with me after chemo while Chris went to work. She would just sit there, quiet, and I remember one time I made her watch the Sweeney Todd barber movie with Johnny Depp and I could hear her shock with the movie. She was such a trooper.
I had 2 lymphnodes that were positive which is why I had 30 lymphnodes removed during the axillary dissection. I was on the border for getting radiation but I decided to not go with it. I wanted my body back after 7 months of tests, pokes, and prods. I now have lymphedema in my right arm requiring me to wear a compression sleeve to keep it from swelling too much.
I was so happy to be done with this part of my life, now to the reconstruction phase. I'd been getting injections of saline to expand the muscles and tissues so Dr. Anagnos could reconstruct my breast. In September 2008, I received my final set of twins. There were several small cosmetic procedures done after this to complete this process. Upon completion of everything, I celebrated by going skydiving.
I thought I was done with the big C....
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