I'm having a moment... pardon the darkness

Today I have to two goals with this blog...

1) Tell you about my doctor appointment
2) To get as many people to pray for a special friend and her family

I want to start with my friend.  I can't go in much detail, however my friend has been fighting her own fight and it has been a hell of a battle.  Recently, something happened and more tests are to come to find out the future.  My heart pours out to my friend and their family.  I feel helpless in so many ways - I don't know what to say and I feel like a lifetime away.  This is the best way I know how to get more prayers sending up for them.  I love you! Many hugs and prayers my special friend.

Today I had a Radiation Oncology appointment.  I like my radiation oncologist - she is very open and upfront with the information.  So, you're not allowed to start treatments and then stop them and then pick them back up sooooo my vacation is causing me to push back my treatments for a few weeks.  We will start the prep work June 25 and probably start treatments Thursday of that week.  With that being said, treatments will end mid August.  This is pushing itself into my other plans that I have been planning.  Hopefully, it won't interfere too much.  She has calmed my nerves about several things and she is compassionate when it comes to the things that hit me hard; deciding not to have kids of my own, going into menopause at 29, and just the suckiness of this disease.  She is upfront when we ask questions and doesn't cut corners when telling us the cold truth about what's to come.  Rather than just having one radiated breast, they both are going to get it b/c my other one is sooo damn perky it is gonna get hit.  She said "there just isn't a way to get it out of the way because it is just sooo perky."  This is as she is trying to push it out of the way and putting a good amount of pressure on and both of us are kind of giggling.  I know it isn't funny, but 1. just my luck 2. come on really - tell me it isn't funny! Who ever complains about having perky boobs????  It is either she radiates the other breast or radiates more of my lung.  Sacrifice 2 implants rather than just 1 is the lesser of two evils.

I can get sun at least now when I go to the beach without having to be overly protective of that area.  Obviously, I'll still be vigilante to make sure I don't get completely burnt however I can tan up and be ok.  She was joking as we were walking out and said... "I'll show you sunburn when you get back." 

With the events of today, it has put what I am debating about into perspective more.  It has been a hard afternoon on my emotions and thoughts.  I wonder/analyze things a lot naturally but today, they are a bit more in focus as to why I'm doing things but other ways, more confused.  It's hard to explain.  My spirits are high, but my heart hurts right now for my friend.  I think it made some of the conversation I had with my radiation oncologist happen when otherwise it wouldn't have.  The truth about cancer treatment - there is no right answer and it doesn't play fair.  Which odds do you go with... the odds of getting cancer in 15-20 years because your so young and will live to that point in the radiated area or do you just take the chances with no radiation and just don't get pregnant or do you take your risks of not doing hormonal therapy vs. the complications of going into menopause at 29.  You are basically trading one bad thing for another.  Trading one death for another. You are killing yourself in one way in order to live a little longer.   When you think about the fact that some chemo is made with arsenic and radiation is something that we are always told to stay away from since it will kill a nasty death... it is kinda depressing and you really have to do some soul searching.  Before, the decision was easy - I say easy but I didn't think twice about doing chemo and the surgery but I find myself now, questioning every step I go.  I told my husband today "I wish I had a crystal ball and Fringe was real, so I could see the future of this reality and alternate universes of the various decisions I could follow."  I just want to be normal, live a normal life, be a normal wife to my husband.... I realize that is what makes me special and I'll never be normal but at 29 not being scared to get pregnant for fear that it could kill me and the worst thing I have to worry about is what we are doing over the weekend and if I have the right pair of shoes to go with it. Not saying that the issues that plague a normal 29 year old aren't important or as simple as shoes but just not to have to be concerned about things that aren't life threatening. 

Sorry this isn't a happy or uplifting day, this is one of those days of soul searching where % and risks and shit (pardon my french) start floating around.... "mama always said there'd be days like this."

Surprise!

The girls at work gave me the necklace pictured above; I was totally surprised.  They peeped into my cube; 3 of them; and I wasn't sure what to think of the three of them.  They said "we wanted to give you something"... These ladies make me laugh (and I mean, belly laugh, tears rolling down my face, snorting laughing) and are so sweet.  Thank you ladies for accepting into the group and being so kind to me.  I appreciate it and love you guys!

Thanks to my cancer family! Love you ladies

When I went through my cancer in 2008, there was an amazing woman who had gone through what I was getting ready to go through.  She understood what I was getting ready to go through and the feelings better than anyone since she was close to my age.  It was difficult in the beginning to talk to people who were in the "normal" age range for breast cancer, I needed that younger perspective. They'd had their children and had the opportunity to breast feed, they'd gone or were going through menopause at the normal time - I hadn't even had the opportunity to be pregnant (we had just started talking about having children seriously) before the chance was ripped from my dreams, I was going to go through menopause momentarily for chemo at 25 how is this chemo and hormone therapy crap going to effect my chances for a family, and ulimately am I going to meet my maker before I turn 30?  How was this going to effect my wants for a family? This isn't a normal "young" person thing, how did you handle the stares, the questions, etc?  How did it effect your relationship with your husband? She helped me prepare mentally for things, brought me peace with what I was going through, and helped me navigate the road. 

She had gone through radiation and after chatting with her online a bit, she has calmed some of my anxiety about radiation. Once again Kim, you have helped me cope with the reality of the situation and I thank you.  I can never say thank you enough. 

I've met some amazing people on my road with cancer.  The network of support is amazing, even though situations are different, they support you through it all even without saying words sometimes. Just knowing there is someone that you can lean on when times get  you down, is awesome.  I love the ladies I have met on the journey - you know who you are :)

Hot Bald Chick Ain't Comin' Back - Sorry Buddy

When I went bald during chemo the first go around I had 2 friends who were married.  They were hilarious and we would have very in depth and interesting convos to say the least.  They are open minded about their thoughts and we would discuss different topics and toss ideas around.  They helped to open my mind to different thoughts... I loved our convos! We were very blunt with each other and didn't hold much back which created a large amount of trust between the 3 of us.  The reason for this info is to provide a little insight into our relationship and why it was ok for the conversation to happen in the first place.

When I was about 1/2 way through my chemo in 2008 I was of course smooth and bald.  I smiled and laughed everywhere I went.  We were all hanging out and my friend's husband made the comment about me being "the hot bald chick."  So that has been my nickname ever since.  He was happy that hair had started to come back but at the same slightly disappointed because I was a cutie without hair - if I may so myself.  Fast forward to the other day when I posted that "no balding for this chick" and a personal message came across a few hours later with this...

hey i just told [husband] the good news and he is super happy for you but then got a little disappointed that you wont be the hot bald chic again, now youre just the hot chic and apparently the bald thing makes it x10. (hope you got a laugh out of that, if not, we are giant assholes and apologize)

This made me crack up laughing because I could really see them having this conversation, his face of relief that I didn't have to go through chemo, and then as he realized I wasn't going to be bald anymore and her cracking laughing and trying to comfort him.  I appreciated the laugh, recently these guys moved away to live their dream and I so miss them but can't be happier for the two of them.  They moved the week I found out and really missed having her around to go and grab a drink with me.  I could tell her anything without worry that she would say anything and she would give me her blunt feelings about it.  Thank you lady for that!

There is a large part of me that is happy that I don't have to go through chemo again but at the same time, it is the part of the treatments that made me learn so much about myself.  I learned how to stand tall with my head held high and not care who looked at me or what was said.  It gave me the strength and confidence that I hadn't had prior.  Let's not forget the not shaving for about 8 months, automatic air conditioning to the scalp, and a few other extras.  All I'm saying is, it is an experience that made me stronger and if I had gone through it a second time, maybe I could have learned more about myself.  But, I am COMPLETELY ok with not having chemo any day of the week.

Speaking of confidence in yourself.... I wish more people would have confidence in themselves.  There are plenty of strong people out there who don't believe in themselves and then there are those who think they are the world.  The only person who will believe in you and pull you through situations is yourself. You can have the support of the people around you but you have to have the strength to pull yourself out of the depths of your personal hells sometimes.  I went to my personal hells several times during 2008 and I had to find that strength to climb those dark, slippery tunnel walls back to the surface.  (When I was in these moments, I saw myself in a well type of hole with a bright light sooooo far away and I was in a cold, dark, moist place.  Sometimes it felt like I was falling through levels only hitting a false bottom, crash through it to the next level.) My family and friends held me and supported me through those times but it was me fighting my demons inside and keeping myself from being buried alive mentally.  Because I had to do that, I developed a confidence that made me stronger and more stubborn.  I am proud to be who I am and I show it.  I am not cocky in the way I carry myself and talk but confident. Unfortunately, people read my confidence as a threat or cockiness.  Those are the farthest things from my mind when I meet you.  I am a down to earth, loving individual. Do I have opinions - strong ones occasionally, yes - do I have thoughts that aren't main stream, yes - am I afraid to do things I've never done before, hell no I went skydiving for crying out loud, am I afraid of making mistakes - horribly terrified of making mistakes but I'm not afraid trying things, offering ideas and testing them out.   Please take the time to meet me and get to know me before you make opinions about me or other people.

I think one of the sexiest things about people (male or female) is when they are confident with themselves, hold their heads high even in times of great pain, and know who they are and what they want out of life.

And my arm says.... IT'S HOT!

My arm tells me when the weather decides to change by swelling.  Oh the joys of having breast cancer and having 30 of your lymphnodes removed which are more than 90% of the ones you have. So do you want a quick biology lesson????


Lymphedema

Lymphnodes are like tiny little pumps within your body.  They help move lymph fluid around your body and remove nasty things to keep you healthy and remove infection from the body. So, when you remove these puppies, you still have fluid flowing but you don't have those pumps helping to pull the fluid out of the extremities.  When the fluid gets into your extremities and you have reduced capacity of lymphnodes, the fluid gets stuck and stays there.  In order to get the fluid out, you have to perform lymphatic massages and compression.  If you see me rubbing my right arm, chest, shoulders, back or side (on the right side only), I am attempting to do a massage to get the fluid and lymphnodes in other areas of my body activated to accept the additional fluid that I will be moving manually.  If you see me with these beautiful sleeves, horrible wrappings on my fingers, and/or wonder Ace looking bandages on my arms (only if it gets severe do the Ace bandage looking things come out), that is me compressing the fluid out.

So, why does it flare in the summer time?  There are several reasons:

1)  Heat causes your vessels to expand in order to keep your body cool.  In doing so, more fluid is moved around the body and gets trapped much quicker than I can move it out. 
2) Getting cuts or scratches can cause it swell also since when you get cuts or scrapes the lymph fluid is the fluid that goes to push bacteria out and keep it from getting infected. So, with extra fluid going to the rescue...
3) Exercising or extreme activity levels because you are moving fluids around more with increased heart beats.
4) Flying because of the change in elevation.... you can actually watch it swell as you ascending... but unfortunately, descending doesn't take it out... grrr... had a dude argue with me one time on this, I about snapped his head off but I remained the adult in the situation.

Things that help to control it:
1) lymphatic massage/manual drainage
2) compression
3) Stretching - yoga
4) Aerobics
5) Swimming does wonders! Yet another reason to go the beach!!!!!!! Woooooot! June 18th baby!

Now, I am bad and don't abide by these things because these sleeves are uncomfortable, create a lot of looks and questions and sometimes I just don't feel like talking about it, people telling me what I have and how to handle it who have NO idea what it is, and people thinking they know what it is and telling me how to handle it.  I don't mind questions at all, in fact I like educating people on what it is so they are aware (the reason I do this blog) - I know it is something that people don't see all the time but don't try to lecture me on how I should try this or try that when you don't know what your talking about. 

People who worked with me at HomEq understand that I was open to questions but I would give them my disclaimer "If you want to know something, please ask. I don't care how personal or embarrassing you think it is, there is no stupid question.  You may not have wanted to ask your grandma questions and I am learning from this as I go and want to help people understand this disease and not be afraid of it.  So ask the questions you have, however, understand that if you ask me a question, I will tell you all the nitty gritty details.  I won't leave anything out."  Everyone respected that and they would ask questions because we were all young and obviously, not many 25 year olds go through this thing.  My point in saying this is...... if you have questions, please ask - I'd rather you ask then for you to have questions and wonder. My venting point above was for those individuals who say... "you don't know what your talking about", "well when I swell I do this to get it down (unrelated to lymphedema), just do that and then you don't have to wear those things", etc.

**Ring Ring**
Class, this is all for today's lesson! Have a great Memorial Day weekend!!!

And we have a "go" pattern....

My Medical Oncologist called me today and his consultation agreed that chemotherapy isn't necessary! Woo hoo!! I know... everyone is sad they don't get to see this fabulous bald head come out and play again and no auto AC at the beach this year.  I am excited tho about no chemo for the obvious reasons... nausea and potential to murder my heart.  I will have to do 7 weeks of radiation and then hormonal therapy which I'm not thrilled about but if doing that for 2-3 years keeps me from having to get this news again, it's worth it I guess.  So personal summers....here I come!!! I go on Tuesday to meet with my Radiation Oncologist for the final meeting before I start the radiation treatments.  Let's get this show on the road :)  If for some reason the hormone therapy is rejected by my body and I just can't handle it like what happened the original time I tried it 4 years ago, then we might look at chemo at that time however, they may have a difficult time figuring out what kind of chemo I can have since the chemo I had the first round was hard core stuff and could kill my heart. 

Tomorrow is Friday! Just in case you forgot :)

Holding Pattern and Blackberries (not the phones!!)

Holding patterns are theme in my life right now.  Still sitting in a holding pattern waiting on the Medical Oncologist to consult with his peers at UNC Chapel Hill on options with hormone therapy and chemotherapy.  I just want to get this thing on the road so that I can be done with it sooner.  I really don't feel like putting my life on hold for this thing again.  I have so many things that are being held right now because I'm waiting to see what the decision is and also trying to get things wrapped up with radiation before other things kick in.  Can't elaborate right now on any of those things but hopefully soon I can.  It just seems that everything that I wanted and goals I had made for myself decided to hit all at the same time.  It is amazing how lucky I am, how my strengths and ethics have made a name for themselves in so many ways and the support that I have from people all over the country.  

I have 2 dreams right now... be cancer free FOREVER this time around and one other thing. I hope I have the opportunity to make them both come true.  I had set a goal a few years ago for something and have worked like a crazy mad woman to meet that goal and I can taste the opportunity.  Once again, holding patterns are my life themes currently. 

My incision looks amazing! It is finally not feeling irritated and swollen after a full day of work.  The DermaFlex is finally starting to peel off and the scar is almost not even noticable.  I can't say thank you enough to my surgeon, he is absolute amazing.  He takes care of me physically and emotionally.  He treats me like a human and an adult which I think sometimes they want to treat me as a child since I am so much younger than their "normal" patients.  I'm not normal in any way of word, so why should I be a normal patient! Ha!! I make them laugh, I joke about my condition, and I think sometimes they think I'm just plain looney.  I am sure they are concerned as others are when they hear me talk about what's happening so non-shilantly that I don't take things seriously and understand the overall impact of the situation.  I hate to tell them - I know! Probably better than they realize but I'd rather laugh about it.  Crying about it only depresses me and I hate being depressed.  I saw my grandfather suffer for years with cancer, I saw it eat away at his body taking a physically strong man and break him down to a frail, delicate man.  But his faith remained strong through it all.  I know the effects of cancer all too well and want to avoid that outcome at all costs. 

Went to get my hair trimmed the other day and told my hair stylist that I was thinking of getting some really light highlights put in however if I paid $80 and then found I had to have chemo causing my hair to fall out 2 weeks to the day after the first treatment.... I might be a little pissed and so would the hubby.  So once again..... holding pattern! Ha!! Wow!! Good googly moogly....

We have several blackberry vines around out fence that are domesticated with no thorns but the sweetest things you have ever put in your mouth.  One of them has grown up making a beautiful little shade area for the dogs to hang out.  They are in the process of producing fruit.  I am sooooo excited to see them this year.  Last year I was pulling 3 cups a week of if not more - there were plenty that feel to their rotten death and plenty that went into Chris' belly before I had a chance to grab them - and this year the thing is even bigger.  So... any blackberry recipes you may have, I am ready and willing to try.  If you are close and would like a bag or so blackberries, let us know. I'm afraid they won't ship very well sorry for those elsewhere.  The picture of the whole bush is only a partial of that one bush.  It is MASSIVE! The other one of the other side of the house isn't quite that big but it still puts a bunch of fruit out. 

Quick Update...

I am waiting for my oncologist to consult with oncologists in Chapel Hill about my case to determine if I will have chemo and if so, what kind.  So waiting to hear back about that and then we can start radiation and get that knocked out quickly.

My surgeon said that the tumor came back with clear margins - woo hoo! The means he was able to remove the entire tumor and no additional surgeries at this time.  The side that was against my implant had a clear margin of 3 mm. If you aren't sure of how big that is.... it is freakin' small! 

The last few days have been busy and insane, I'm ready for a little calm time.

Happy Mother's Day

Happy Mother's Day to all the loving mothers of 2 legged and 4 legged children.  Spent the day with the in laws and with my mom.  Busy but fun day. 

In the process decided to try to include my pinky in the meal.  Using a ceramic knife I bought, which turned out to be way way sharp and slices through anything with such ease, my pinky got in the way of slicing some bread.  It didn't bleed at first and then wouldn't stop gushing.  Chris wrapped her up tightly after an hour of gushing.  I can move it so ligaments and muscles seem to be ok but it hurts. 

Prepping for a fun filled busy week - several doctor appointments this week and hopefully more good news to come.  Will continue to smile and laugh and enjoy each day to the fullest...

I'm sooo excited!

Yesterday was a good day.  I was peppy and feeling a lot better.  My incision is starting to heal up and not be so tender finally.  Just waiting on results still. I have a medical oncology appointment Monday and a follow up for the surgery on Wednesday.

This morning I thought I had one baby shower and next week the other baby shower however I was wrong. I have two baby showers today! Fun filled day to come with good people.

Pesky Little Boob Pest

I've always been intrigued by the things we can't see with the naked eye.  It is amazing how beautiful the tiniest most evil things in the world are under a microscope.  How something so damn small can be so damn mean?  There are many types of breast cancer out there but above is a picture of 1 form of breast cancer.  I was looking for an awesome looking picture to add on here to spruce the blog up and working with the layout and all that and came across this picture and thought I'd share it. I've learned more about medical stuff and medical insurance/billing than I ever really wanted to know.

Workin' Girl

Sitting at home for a few days with the instructions of no lifting, no stretching, basically sit and do nothing.  That is hard to do when the rest of your body and mind feels and works just fine.  I decided to go back to work on Tuesday and for the most part went well. I was a little slower than normal but was able to get caught up on a lot of things.  I woke up this morning and was sore, maybe over did it a bit on Tuesday.  I put in almost a full day today before I needed to take a break and relax at home. 

I am listening to the doctors and not lifting with my right arm - well as long as I catch myself in time - and not stretching at all. To assist with this, I have created quite a cocoon on the bed with pillows to help me keep from rolling around and splitting the incision open.  If I'm not careful, I might get used to this and officially claim the entire thing as mine! At night is the worst time since I am not conscious enough to know if I'm stretching or rolling too much pulling the incision around.  Because of all this focus and less comfort, it is healing quite nicely.  Once I get a few weeks out, I'll put silicone strips on the incision which will help to keep the incision flat so the it doesn't scar badly and also lighten the scar up.  I did this with the last and it helped the healing and aesthetics of the scars a lot.  Worth the extra effort and money - works better than Mederma. 

Right now, we are waiting for the results of the tumor to come back. I can only hope that it was a false positive with the FNA (fine needle aspiration biopsy).  A friend of mine is going through Proton radiation therapy and I am looking at it online.  It is fairly new to the breast cancer treatment arena from what I can see and still considered slightly experimental since they haven't been able to observe the long term effects.  The main positive points are:

1. Treatment time goes from 7 weeks (1x day for 5 days for 7 weeks) to 2 weeks (1x day for 5 days for 2 weeks). 
2. Focused to a specific point - less radiation to the surrounding tissues.  With photon radiation, there is a risk to the lungs, heart, and other breast but with proton radiation there is a less risk of radiation to those organs. This would also protect my ribs - I am ultimately sacrificing the implant on my right side to protect my organs and ribs.  The radiation will be right on my rib cage, for this reason it will weaken my rib cage dramatically on my right side.  I could be reaching to pick up the remote and crack a rib in the future.  Actually, very possible per the radiation oncologist.  
3. Skin issues, implant issues reduced.  Possibility I won't have to have that major surgery in 3-5 years to reconstruct my entire chest again.  This would involve taking skin and tissue from my stomach or back, pulling my shoulder muscle around to the front of my chest - very painful and extensive.  

Down sides:

1. Be away from home during this entire time. Apparently there are only 8 places in the nation that have a proton radiation device. 
2. Costs 5x more than standard photon radiation treatment. Will insurance cover it?
3. Still consider "experimental" for my type of cancer, are the short term benefits worth not knowing the long term? 
4. They aren't sure of the effects of the scattering neutrons are... will the neutrons go off and create a cancer somewhere else in the body versus keeping any additional cancers in my chest/breast area?

 I called my radiation oncologist and she said I could reach out to 2 locations that currently have the treatment option and ask their options for my situation.  I will start the calling and asking process soon. At least this way, I can hear what the options are and if it is a viable option for me.  Long term effects of radiation treatment since I'm so young is that radiation can cause "radiation induced cancers" for me in the future.  The chemo I had previously, has the side effect of increasing my risk of lymphoma in the future.  Trying to treat the body for one thing, may inherently cause a whole nother issue later.  Fun times in the neighborhood.

Blooming Tulips and Flowers

These are the pictures of the flowers my friends Kevin and Jennifer sent me. They are so pretty blooming today.

Fighting Boredom.... hmmm what to do?!?!?!

There is absolutely nothing on for day time television. I am getting so bored sitting around the house.  Not allowed to pick anything up, no stretching, and the such so that I don't pull the incision open.  After sleeping the last 2 nights in the recliner so I wouldn't roll on my incision, I am going to try to actually sleep in the bed tonight. Woke up this morning a little sore but not as bad as yesterday. It is healing up quite nicely.  I am having to really focus on not overdoing it since I am healing so well. I am only 2.5 days out of surgery and have 14 days to not stretch or pick stuff up. It is gonna be a long 2 weeks!! Hopefully the people at work keep me from over doing also. 

New Member of the Cook Scar Community

This is the new scar added to my side.  It is being welcomed into the Cook Scar community. It is healing well and my doctor did a fantastic job as before making sure it is smooth connection.  No stitches, he used DermaFlex to keep it together.  The small dot at the bottom of the pic is where he went in from the side to get the biopsy on 4.16.  The incision itself is about 2 inches long.  He cut an oval shape around the tumor and went down removing the segment/wedge of tissue to ensure he got the tumor and the tissue surrounding it. Then he scraped the implant to pull it off the implant wall. 

I received some beautiful flowers today from some friends which was a pleasant surprise to wake up to mid day.  Pictures to come as soon as they bloom a little more.  Thank you!

Ding! Round 1: Deidre 2 Cancer 0

Please pardon any typos since I am typing this on my ittsy bittsy iPod.

Had my surgery yesterday morning. We were able to sleep in and get ready in a relax manner rather than like zombies. We arrived at the hospital right at the appointment when I realized I left the order paperwork at home. Now I focused on those darn papers all week and forgot them the day of. Luckily they had the orders and didn't need the paperwork. They immediately took me back. I turned and gave my mom a big hug and told her I'd see her soon. I gave her hard time in a joking way to make her laugh earlier during admissions. I hadn't eaten anything since midnight and it was 11am. She had bought me some Reese's to eat when I was out of surgery. She whips those puppies out waves them in my face as she gives them to Chris "thanks mom, wave the precious in front of the starving girl" she laughed hysterically. Then on the elevator she said "I thought about stopping by your house to be sure you had breakfast" and jokingly glared over at her and said "really?" she laughed again. I like to see my mom laugh especially when it deals with difficult things. I know she is sad having to watch me go through all this again so I work to keep her laughing.

After giving her the big hug went back to the outpatient room and Chris and I joked and laughed. After the nurse came in my friend Mary Black came in and said hello. She took time to come and see me while she was working at the hospital. It was so good to see her. She had a conversation with my surgeon beforehand Nd told him to be steady handed today and that he was saving the beat for last - that would be me if you were wondering! :) Listened to some Rolling Stones while they prepped me in the holding tank. It is funny because nurses walk by and remember me from all my surgeries in 2008 and 2009. When I was on recovery and as soon as I opened my eyes still drugged up the first thing I did was reach up slowly and felt 1 boob and the 2 boob.... Woohoo! I said something about it to the nurse and she chuckled. I continued doing that to make sure I wasn't dreaming it the time before. They rolled me back to the outpatient room and I told my husband "I still have 2 boobs!" he just laughed. That was my biggest fear and he knew that I was ok as long I had 2 boobs. The things that make you happy and laugh. I was thinking about how my bathing suits would look if I didn't have boob. Gotta look good in that thang! And I disgress. The rest of the evening I took it easy. Laid on the sofa with my pillow and blanket. Our friend Amanda made a delicious dinner and brought it over. It was quite tastey! I slept in the recliner to be sure that I didn't roll on my incision. Woke up this morning and my incision was hurting so bad. Despite the pain I am glad it is out. It had started to hurt day to day which worried me that it was growing.

Chris was able to see the ultrasound pictures of my tumor and the before and after pics. He was shocked at how close it was to my implant. I love my surgeon he is amazing. He not only takes care of me physically but he treats us (Chris and myself) as humans and adults. He doesn't talk down to me or treat me like a child. We joke and laugh together and he takes the time that is needed to make sure I fully understand everything. I trust him completely. God has placed amazing medical resources at my finger tips and amazing loving friends and family. love you guys!

About forgot... They are running several tests and those results will return within the next 1-2 weeks. So we will get the details throughout that time. The results determine the treatment plan to come. This is the beginning but let's rock cancer's world again and show him the strength of the human will to survive again.

Let's Rumble! Round 1

It's funny, I received a text message yesterday saying "good luck tomorrow, let us know how it goes."  Then today, I received so many of the "good luck today" messages I began to wonder if I lost a day somewhere and I was where I needed to be.  Thank you all for the positive thoughts. I was awake last night til about 1am starting thinking about everything and this is the beginning of the craziness to come.  Kinda scares me a little but I am ready for the fight.  I try to not ask myself "why me" because as my very special grandfather told me when he was diagnosed with prostate cancer and eventually consumed him "God doesn't give you what you can't handle, if I didn't have this someone else would, and I can't have that."  As a friend of mine posted on my facebook page "I'm a bigger bitch than cancer."  I know that some may think that is a horrible thing to say but that friend is like a brother and we have our moments of pure hatred and love for each other.  He knows me probably better than most and he is right.  You want a fight.... I'm ready!!  :)

Today, I got to see a very special friend who makes me laugh and is very stylish, if I may say so myself.  I misss seeing my other friends in TN but soon we shall see each other.  Today has been a matter of ensuring everything is ready to rock and roll for tomorrow.  Surgery is scheduled and we are in a "go" pattern.  Be at the hospital at 10:45am.  Now the interesting part will be that I can't eat after midnight... now what's my most favoritest thing in the whole wide world.... eating! What do I do first thing in the morning??? Eat! What happens when Deidre doesn't eat???? Ohhhhhh cranky alter ego Deidre comes out.  Oh and let's not forget the wonderful sinus headaches I've been having recently and unable to take anything for them per the discussion with the nurse.  So sinus headaches with hunger/low sugar headaches - I'ma gonna be a peach tomorrow! LOL Staying up to midnight, the last minute of the hour and chowing down.  As I told my cousin, going to do the 74oz steak challenge tonight with all the dressings!