Today I have to two goals with this blog...
1) Tell you about my doctor appointment
2) To get as many people to pray for a special friend and her family
I want to start with my friend. I can't go in much detail, however my friend has been fighting her own fight and it has been a hell of a battle. Recently, something happened and more tests are to come to find out the future. My heart pours out to my friend and their family. I feel helpless in so many ways - I don't know what to say and I feel like a lifetime away. This is the best way I know how to get more prayers sending up for them. I love you! Many hugs and prayers my special friend.
Today I had a Radiation Oncology appointment. I like my radiation oncologist - she is very open and upfront with the information. So, you're not allowed to start treatments and then stop them and then pick them back up sooooo my vacation is causing me to push back my treatments for a few weeks. We will start the prep work June 25 and probably start treatments Thursday of that week. With that being said, treatments will end mid August. This is pushing itself into my other plans that I have been planning. Hopefully, it won't interfere too much. She has calmed my nerves about several things and she is compassionate when it comes to the things that hit me hard; deciding not to have kids of my own, going into menopause at 29, and just the suckiness of this disease. She is upfront when we ask questions and doesn't cut corners when telling us the cold truth about what's to come. Rather than just having one radiated breast, they both are going to get it b/c my other one is sooo damn perky it is gonna get hit. She said "there just isn't a way to get it out of the way because it is just sooo perky." This is as she is trying to push it out of the way and putting a good amount of pressure on and both of us are kind of giggling. I know it isn't funny, but 1. just my luck 2. come on really - tell me it isn't funny! Who ever complains about having perky boobs???? It is either she radiates the other breast or radiates more of my lung. Sacrifice 2 implants rather than just 1 is the lesser of two evils.
I can get sun at least now when I go to the beach without having to be overly protective of that area. Obviously, I'll still be vigilante to make sure I don't get completely burnt however I can tan up and be ok. She was joking as we were walking out and said... "I'll show you sunburn when you get back."
With the events of today, it has put what I am debating about into perspective more. It has been a hard afternoon on my emotions and thoughts. I wonder/analyze things a lot naturally but today, they are a bit more in focus as to why I'm doing things but other ways, more confused. It's hard to explain. My spirits are high, but my heart hurts right now for my friend. I think it made some of the conversation I had with my radiation oncologist happen when otherwise it wouldn't have. The truth about cancer treatment - there is no right answer and it doesn't play fair. Which odds do you go with... the odds of getting cancer in 15-20 years because your so young and will live to that point in the radiated area or do you just take the chances with no radiation and just don't get pregnant or do you take your risks of not doing hormonal therapy vs. the complications of going into menopause at 29. You are basically trading one bad thing for another. Trading one death for another. You are killing yourself in one way in order to live a little longer. When you think about the fact that some chemo is made with arsenic and radiation is something that we are always told to stay away from since it will kill a nasty death... it is kinda depressing and you really have to do some soul searching. Before, the decision was easy - I say easy but I didn't think twice about doing chemo and the surgery but I find myself now, questioning every step I go. I told my husband today "I wish I had a crystal ball and Fringe was real, so I could see the future of this reality and alternate universes of the various decisions I could follow." I just want to be normal, live a normal life, be a normal wife to my husband.... I realize that is what makes me special and I'll never be normal but at 29 not being scared to get pregnant for fear that it could kill me and the worst thing I have to worry about is what we are doing over the weekend and if I have the right pair of shoes to go with it. Not saying that the issues that plague a normal 29 year old aren't important or as simple as shoes but just not to have to be concerned about things that aren't life threatening.
Sorry this isn't a happy or uplifting day, this is one of those days of soul searching where % and risks and shit (pardon my french) start floating around.... "mama always said there'd be days like this."
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