Healing Finally!

Flexibility is returning.  The area under my arm healing up now, it is still pink but with new skin that isn't tender any longer.  Unfortunately, other areas are blistering up as others are healing. I am moving the Poly Mem material around from healed area to new blister areas.  I am just glad to see healing happening rather than continued deterioration.  Don't get me wrong, I am still tender and pangs and twinges still occur but it is so much better than it was a few days ago. 

On the energy front, I am still exhausted and difficulty breathing off and on.  Hopefully all that will heal quickly so that I can do things without getting short of breathe and coughing randomly. 

Phase 2 complete

I spent the weekend taking pain meds and laying around.  I hurt so bad.  My skin under my arm is the most severely burned currently.  The area directly under my breast is looking better - doesn't say much because it was so badly burned however, it looks like it is trying to heal.

Phase 2 is complete; radiation of the entire breast. Now, I am in the boost phase. The last phase before the end.  Harry, the mad scientist behind the curtain who I like to talk to because he cracks me up and is so nice, told me today that my scar will probably flare up with this but the other areas will begin healing.  He said "as soon we stop messing with you, your skin will begin healing within 10-14 days I would be surprised at how it looks."  I look forward to it!

Here is a picture of my underarm yesterday.  The blue and red marks are where they are doing the boost.  As you can tell a piece of the burned area is within that field of treatment. I am not looking forward to how that part is going to feel within the next week.  This picture does not show the nasty peeling skin or express the pain I have with it but at least an idea of the severity of my burn and discomfort now. 

Normally, a 40lb bag of dog food does not cause me issues, but I picked up a bag today at the grocery store and thought my skin my implant was going to explode out of my skin. So, I asked the nice gentlemen at the grocery store to pick it up for me and then let Chris bring it into the house. 

Today was the first day I haven't taken pain meds to get through so maybe it is healing now.  I am going to take one now, since I tried the dog food trick. Obviously, not ready for 100% back to normal duties yet. 

I finish up on Monday, Aug 20. 5 more to go!

Adjustments and the beginning of the end...

The skin that is currently blistered and exposed, is healing well per my doctor.  She is very impressed with the healing and happy with the way they are looking. They are still painful and I ended up seperating some of the tender skin this morning while trying to remove some tape on the healthy skin. Unfortunately, it is right under my arm and hurts so bad right now.  The pain meds barely take the pain away on that spot but that was my fault.  Grrr....

A quick update of what's happening...

The blisters came up and escalated farely quickly so she removed 3 sections from the radiation field; under my breast, small area under arm (inside my arm pit), and the tip top corner on my chest.  This was to perserve the skin that was so badly damaged.  As of yesterday, they stopped treating the top part of my chest.  This is normal and only set to receive the small dose of radiation.  I have 3 treatments left for my entire breast and then 5 more after that of a "boost" to the recurrance site.  The recurrance site is under my arm pit... which is currently one of the badly burned areas so that might get a little interesting.  I'll end up taking my last day of radiation on 8/20. A day of celebration I will say!!

Discussed the hormone therapy with my medical oncologist which is a different doctor than my radiation oncologist.  I will start that and see how it works beginning in Sept.  I told him I wanted to wait til after radiation and give my body some time to recover from the radiation before changing my hormone levels.  We will start with the easiest form which gave me migraines the last time I tried it however, I'd rather try that first than go to shutting things down completely and it "should" kick back up after you end the Rx in a few years. Yeah, from the people I've talked to, the "should" didn't happen. So, needless to say, I don't believe the doctor on this point.

Skin removal day!!!

I wore a patch since yesterday that helped to wick away the oozing from blisters.  They went to pull them off today and they had attached themselves to my blistering flesh.  Needless to say, my blistered skin decided to pull away from me.  They gave me PolyMem which is a non-adhesive pad which does the same as the other but in different ways.  So I now have 2 pieces of that which costs $27.50 for one 6.5"x7.5" sheet.  If it works though, it's worth it.  We shall see. 

This was by far the worst pain so far with this treatment while they peeled those patches off today and then the air touching it and burning more. 

The top part is right in my arm pit.  If you see me walking around holding my arm out from my body.... that would be why. The second pic is under my breast. That shiny stuff isn't cream, it's the exposed flesh under the now removed blister.  These pictures were taken when I got home after today's treatment. 

They did adjust my treatment so that those burned and severely blistered areas don't receive any additional radiation.  My doctor said that it should start to look a lot better next week.  The nurses said they had seen worse burns but it is normal to have these type of burns.

"Decimated Skin"

Went in today for my radiation treatment and see my Radiation Oncologist.  Last week, my skin looked bad - so red it turned brown.  Over the weekend it began to blister up, stick together easily, and no longer itch just hurt.  When I move it pulls the skin and stretches it and it feels as if my skin is pulling apart - which it is since it is blistering...

I received my radiation with a painful squint on my face as they placed my arm in the arm holding thing.  It hurt to stay still for the short period of time but the feeling of your skin pulling apart is not fun - mind over matter and I stayed still.  As I make my way to the room to see my doctor which happens one time a week, all I want to do is curl up in a ball in the corner and just left alone.  When I don't feel good, I pull away from everyone and society.  I don't want to be petted or touched, I don't like people seeing me in pain or uncomfortable.  The doctor comes in and she sees my face, which is normally smiling, tense and my body moving slowly to pull the gowns sleeve off my shoulder with a low, deep growl.  She can tell I am obviously not comfortable or happy this morning.  I lie back and she examines my pink, red, brown blistering skin that stretches from the area under my arm on my torso, half way up my arm pit, across to my sternum, down my sternum to my last rib, across to the side and meeting the point on my back under my arm.  She examines it for about 4 minutes, tells me she will be right back and leaves the room with my chart.  Just with my experience over with the medical field over the last 5 years and my ability to be the 1% of everything that could happen, happening... I know this isn't good. 

The picture below is of the blisters... they are hard to see with this picture but this was taken on Friday so it isn't of this morning when it was slightly worse. The blue lines make sure the nurses line me up right with the radiation machine each day. 

I'm so tired at this point, I just can't get my mind thinking about what's going to happen.  I start to chuckle a little to myself, that she is going to come in and tell me one or multiple things, implant busted - need surgery, skin is dead - need skin graph and implant removal, or something that I can't imagine and some unimaginable crazy medical procedure needs to be done ASAP.  After about 10 minutes, she returns with Harry (a 6'2", salt and pepper hair and beard gentlemen that I met several times - very nice guy, easy to talk to, funny and evidently very smart because he plans out and makes the radiation machine do what it does behind the scenes).  They are talking business when they come in about my treatment plan and she looks at me says, "we are changing your treatment plan." They start talking techy stuff, measurements, and trying to find a way to change my plan and still be effective without killing my organs still.  She is obviously very concerned about the status of my skin as she begins to show him my skin she states "we've decimated her skin here, we can't continue treating this area."

They determine how they are going to change the plan and now he has to go back to his special room and begin adjusting the plates within the radiation machine and adjustments within the computer.  She is concerned the cream she prescribed the other week, may be making my skin reaction worse.  She states stop using the cream.  I let her know I stopped using the Vitamin E oil because it was burning when I put it on my skin.  She was thinking about options of things I could use on my severely burned skin that will not react with the treatments.  She found a sample of Mepilex Border with SafeTac Technology it is a self adherent soft silicone foam dressing for burns.  It works by wicking the nasty, oozing stuff from burn blisters.  She cuts it up and puts it on the two severest locations.  It did instantly help those areas I think mostly by supporting the skin so it didn't stretch and keeping it moist with burn ointment.

She asked if I was sleeping and unfortunately I haven't been sleeping well.  I've been taking Benadryl to help me sleep and control the itch but my fear being I might roll on my chest and rip the skin.  I told her I haven't been sleeping well and my concerns, she looked at me and said "the pain will wake you up and the damage is already done don't worry about rolling on it."  She gave me a Rx to help me sleep and control the pain. 

Today, I was out of it for the most part. Hard to stay focused and I had a severe headache most of the day. Got through the day and made some progress on the projects I'm working on and attempted to work from home tonight however my wonderful work laptop doesn't like my wireless internet so I can't capture screenshots I need.  I took one of my Rx pills and I am thinking at this point, it might not be a wise decision to try to build a training document at this moment.  I might just go to work early tomorrow morning since my radiation treatment is moved for tomorrow to the afternoon to give them enough time to make all the adjustments needed.  Hopefully tomorrow will be better.

Disclaimer:  I apologize for the lengthy blog tonight and any mistypes or bad grammar...my Rx is kicking in and I'm relaxing more and more.

Blisters arise!!!

I am turning red/brown in a location and the blisters have started to come up. You can feel the skin pull when I move and under my arm the skin is getting tight, swelling, and intensifying the numb feeling that is there from the original surgery. Very strange feeling.  I have a Rx for some cream that helps the itching and tender feelings.  I have about 2 weeks left of radiation, just wondering what my skin will look and feel like at that point. 

My friend Kim T. know just the right thing to say and when I need to hear it.  Tonight, she reminded me that the skin will return to normal and just to push through this.  Thank you Kim for knowing what I am thinking and need to hear.  You have been more support to me during both these trips and I truly appreciate it.

Radiation Adjustments and Sleepiness

Saw my doctor today and she seemed concerned about the skin reaction I had going on under my breast. It is the most irritated area, itching and very red.  She is going to have them move that beam to a different angle to help reduce the amount of radiation pounding on that spot.  It is sitting right on top of my last rib also which makes me a little nervous because radiation can cause your bones to weaken making it easier to crack later. 

I am applying my vitamin E oil and the Prutect cream to help with the itch and uncomfy feelings.  At least we don't have kids or roommates running around, because I will later them up and let it absorb in.  Might be slightly embarrassing if we have others around the house. 

Other than that, I am doing well except for exhaustion.  Came home today and had to lay down for about 20 minutes before making dinner because I couldn't keep my eyes open.  I was talking to the radiation physics guy today and said it will get worse but he made me laugh.  We discussed the 50 Shades of Grey, the effects on the industry of products discussed in the book, and some psychology of the book.  Very interesting conversation but pleasant. 

Week 3 Radiation Treatment

I apologize for the delay with writing on here, been crazy busy and exhausted.

I have completed 3 weeks of radiation at this point with 3 weeks more to complete.  At this point, I have some minor skin irritation along the sides and top with some reddening happening however under my breast it is highly irritated.  To help correct this, I have decided to go braless for a few days to see how that helps.  My doctor has given me a cream and recommended vitamin E oil to help with the irritations. It definitely helps when it starts to itch like crazy.

The last week has been interesting with my energy levels, I get tired quickly. Had to co-facilitate classes on Monday and Tuesday and those days, I was dead when I got home. With the understanding I may be entering this phase, I will plan ahead my plans and if they were like today, I will rest the night before.  Today, I celebrated 2 friends 30th birthdays.  The first one was on the lake and the other dinner and some drinks afterwards.  I didn't have any drinks since I was dead tired but rested last night so I could handle all the fun today.  One of the parties was on the lake, so some tubing and boat riding. Haven't been on the lake in a while so it was nice just playing like a normal 29 year old. 

During radiation, I've completed 3 books, getting ready to start book #4, met some cool peeps going through radiation, and enjoyed getting to know the staff at the office.  Radiation is 10x better than chemotherapy, no sickness or balding. I can handle some burns and kick cancers ass again... and this time forever!

Quick Update

I meet with my Radiation Oncologist each Monday after my treatment has been completed.  Today, everything looks good.  Last week I had what appeared to me to be heart palpatations, just sitting still my heart would just start racing for no reason.  I told her about that and we are going to see if it happens again this week.  If so, she will refer me to a cardiologist.  She said it sounds like PDV or something like that, where there is arithmia for some reason however, it's not the lethal kind.  It's apparently very common and can come up at any point in time.  She said most people who have it, have a reaction to caffeine.  I don't drink much caffeine through the day, however, I did drink a LOT of mochas last week. LOL 

Also, my implants are encapsulating.  What that basically means is that scar tissue is trying to build up which causes implants to harden and become painful, resolved by surgery.  She said we have to aggressively move the implants around (not massage, not enough) to break up the inflammation that causes it.  By doing this, it breaks loose the tissue which is slightly painful... popping and sometimes out loud.  She said I'll need to do this for a few years to ensure it doesn't build up.  So, get ready ladies... aggression is coming your way.  This would be the reason that I am having tugs and pains on that side is because it is building up. 

No real skin reactions yet, although I am starting to break out on my chest.  A small rash kinda thing looks like it's coming up on the one.  I notice every now and then that the area they tried to do the tattoo during my reconstruction, is starting to crinkle almost but when I try to get a second opinion from my husband, it is smoothed out again. If you don't get the tattoo part, it is medical - not a standard cool tattoo... just fyi... lol

All in all, I'm doing well.  Had a great weekend and moving right along. 

Project: Grow a Glowing Extra Head Update

Started radiation on Thursday, July 5.  They gave me a large packet of information to read over with nutritional information, skin care, and possible side effects.  She wanted to know if I'd lost or gained weight recently and if I had problems eating.  If you know me, I love to eat and no crazy weight changes either.  She was like what kind of foods do you eat? Ummmm everything! She just cracked up laughing. 

There is a special deodorant you have to use which is non metallic and has some aloe and other oils to help take care of the skin.  She provided me a stick of this surprisingly decent smelling deodorant and I asked if it was ok to still use my normal deodorant on the other arm. She laughed saying "In all the years of doing this, I've never had anyone ask if they could use this on their radiated arm and their real deodorant on their other arm." I like my deodorant and want to smell at least somewhat normal! LOL I do have to say, the new deodorant doesn't cover like I normally would like... too many reapplies needed to handle the daily laps around the building.

Radiation is what you would think... a metal platform you lay on, it swivels in different areas so that the nurses can position you correctly and consistently each time.  A large square mechanism rotates around you, the distance from your body depending upon the type of radiation being provided.  It is loud, cold, and a humming sound when the radiation is being administered.  It is slightly unnerving to hear the humming sound, which makes me anxious and short of breathe.  It increases my heart beat and laying on my back makes me have to breathe deeper.  However, I'm concerned of breathing too deeper because I might expand my lungs more than I need and causing them to get in the way of the radiation which the doctors have done so much prep to keep from happening.

The nurses are fantastic and make me smile and laugh.  They have a little radio there to play music. I'm only in there maybe 10-15 minutes and they have a big notebook of CDs.  One of the nurses states that they have pretty much all types of music available.  One morning on the way up the mountain, I was listening to Godsmack - amping myself up for the radiation and waking me up a bit.  I go in and try to see if there is an Aux jack with no success.  It is too old and only has an output jack.  The nurse asks, "what were you wanting to listen to" after I had searched through the stack of CDs and turning with a dissatisfied look on my face.  I responded with "well, I was listening to Godsmack on the way, but..." She responded with "yeah, we don't have that, I don't think that would be in much demand with our normal patient base."  We both laughed as I said "yeah I kinda figured that I would the only one liking it."  She I listened to some CCR that day.

So far the only thing I have noticed is that the muscles on my right chest tightened up a bit but I took some Advil and it eased up.  Other than that, it is a long day of driving 30 minutes to the hospital, 45 minutes to work, and 50 minutes home driving a large loop around the area.  I am 7 down from 30 treatments, so 23 left.  One day at a time, I just thankful for the ladies and gentlemen who are helping me treatment this nasty disease and who make me laugh everyday. 

What does my future have in store.....

Radiation started yesterday.  The room is cold as ice, the machine is massive and daunting.  It rolls around you loudly and has a loud humming sound when the radiation is flowing. It's something like out of Terminator; a eye of a machine, opening and closing against your body and deciding your fate with it's cold and metallic gaze.  You see them on pictures or videos but it's like when I had a mammogram for the first time, completely different being in that machine and a realization that you are gambling now for the future and accepting the unknown fate of what this "treatment" is going to do to you later.  My breathing stays regular until they lock the several inch thick door behind them as I am in the room alone and hear the buzzing sound of the machine eradicating my body - for my safety, for my future.... for my unknown future.  When the machine starts its hypnotic humming sound, my breathing speeds up, my heart beats faster, and I realize if I move... I could hurt myself horribly.  Fear, nervousness, hits hard at that moment.  I have lost control of the situation at that very moment and for the next 5-10 minutes.  What is my future.......

Other than the internal tormol, I am doing fine physically.  Nothing really observed yet, probably the tingley sensation I had this morning going to work was probably in my head but my whole right side felt tingley.  Is that possible after 2 treatments?  Just before the treatments started, an achey feeling close to my incision that spread around the edge of the implant at the base on my chest wall. I am assuming it's scar tissue, but it is unsettling.

28 more treatments left... 30 total.  Lots of laying still. The young girls are so nice.  I have drawings all over my chest, that of course, people stare at my chest.  Learn the valuable skill of looking without staring or better yet.... ask, "hey did you go crazy with the marker?"  I think it's pretty funny and a good way of asking and breaking the ice.  Buy hey... it's just me.

Today is a down day all of a sudden... I am sorry I'm not upbeat like normal.  Maybe tomorrow will be better.

Beach and Radiation Mark Ups

It has been a while since I updated anything on the blog. I've been on vacation in the Florida Keys for the last week.  Enjoying the last week before my radiation commences.  It was a good trip, overcast so no burning but a nice golden glow now.  We went kayaking one day, Key West twice, and went snorkeling.  It went by way too quickly. 

Today, I went for my scans and got all marked up with blue and red paint pens.  I now how blue marks that will be visible on my chest and already had 3 people ask what kinda tattoo I had.  I know it is weird but they don't like any type of tattoo... and when it is evident I am trying to avoid the conversation with a complete stranger while he stares at my chest like a perv (like the markings are some type of excuse for him to stare at my boobs), please stop asking me questions.  Yes I know people look, I would - they are perky and big - however, there is a difference in being a perv and just checking out. Check out - don't stare.  If you are going to stare, just take a picture for later please.  lol

So, they are going to chat about how they (the doctors) will go about providing the radiation without effecting my lungs and my other breast.  They are going to load lead blocks into the radiation machine so they can TRY to avoid shooting my other breast.  I am thankful they are looking for alternatives so they are reduce the amount of damage done.  It will be 6 weeks - 30 treatments total.  They will treat some of the lymphnodes in my neck also.

If you see me walking around with lines on my chest, please don't think I went crazy with the markers, I am working to get the marker off my sternum so at least that part isn't showing. There is a part of the blue on my chest I am not allowed to wash off and a clear sticker that is already wrinkling my skin.  This is gonna be a fun 6 weeks.

I heard and saw a male standing behind the curtain while I was on the X-ray table which memocks the radiation machine so they can line things up first.  I wasn't allowed to move - breast exposed, I believe my Radiation Tech saw me squirming to see who was there and if he was official or not, and she said you may hear a male voice out there, he's here to help.  She proceeded to tell me who he was and what he will do during my treatments. He was a very nice and hilariously funny man.  I looked at her and said "I was starting to wonder, I know I am used to showing them to everyone in [town] however, I thought you would share some of the price of admission tickets with me at least." She cracked up laughing. 



The nurses can make or break your treatment path... and I've been lucky so far!

A little fun in the sun before treatments

Spent today gathering necessary items for the trip to the Florida Keys soon.  We will take this trip with some friends and then the treatments will follow immediately upon our return.  The doctor said earlier that I could start the treatments earlier in June however, I'd have to cancel my trip.  That just simply wasn't an option. I already canceled one trip because of this recurrence, I wasn't going to cancel my first trip the Keys.  She said I could get as much sun as I wanted because she was going to show me a true sunburn when I got back. So, I will enjoy my time in the sun!   Above is a picture of the beach we will be going to... sandy white beaches, gentle water that is as blue and shallow. The weather looks great.... I can't wait!!!

Happy 7 Year Anniversary!

Earlier this week, we celebrated our 7 year wedding anniversary.  We have our trip coming up soon and decided to celebrate with a fancy meal during that time.  We made steaks with roasted garlic mashed potatoes and watched Safe House.  It was a great movie by the way.   I love my husband and so glad I married him.  He has helped me to get through round 1 and now round 2 of cancer.  His support and ability to be my rock when I hit bottom has helped me get through this stuff with my head held high. He has stood beside me through the entire thing.  Thank you for the last 7 years, I look forward to our future together. Love you

Add 1 to our community ladies...

I spoke to a young woman this morning, she is faced with this stinkin' stuff too.  This too shall pass and when it passes, you will find a stronger, more passionate woman.  Stay positive and find the one thing that will pull you through this in those low points.  My love, prayers, and thoughts are with you during your journey and after.  The one thing I found out is, women who have breast cancer develop a strong community. We are here for each other no matter what happens in life.  Those of us that are young facing this, have a connection that no one else can take from us.  If you need anything, please let me know - my phone and doors are always open for you.  Good luck with everything!

Insurance Goals are met!

This has been a hectic week. Over the last weekend, my husband's grandfather passed away somewhat suddenly.  We have been running around making sure things are in line with everything and it was a beautiful military service.  The weather turned out perfect for a funeral.  The day before I came down with a nasty tummy virus or food poisoning. 

I have met an achievement I didn't think I'd meet for many years... my out of pocket maximum.  I figured it would happen this year but wasn't sure when. Well - it is DONE! Ha! Not something to be that happy about but I did it! Basically, now the insurance should pay 100% rather than 75%.  We've already put out several thousands dollars this year between two of us.  I was wondering how much this radiation was going to end up costing us, so other than standard doctor visit copays of $35 hopefully this shouldn't get much more expensive.  Now that might be $35 x 32 treatments which could be $1120. Oh geez... just did that calculation.... well... we might hit 5 digits in medical bills for the year. Wow! I bet we can write it off this year on the taxes.  The last years we missed being able to put it on our taxes by just a few hundred dollars.  This year... we are meeting all kinds of goals!

Just one thing to always keep in mind... when getting a new job, research your insurance (although if this Obama Care sticks won't matter) insurance is important no matter your age.  It isn't there for the small things but the big things that happen - the unexpected issues.  Insurance can be a savior. We have put a lot of money into this, this go around, however, the amount the insurance has saved us is much more.  When I went through this the last time, the insurance paid 100% of everything.....$150k paid, I only paid $350 the entire 2 years of treatments.  This is a bit more of a burden financially on us however, I understand it could be a lot worse so we stay focused and plan accordingly.

It is finally Friday!

This has been the longest week in a while and I am so happy and relieved it is Friday.  This week has been an emotional roller coaster ride.  I want to thank all the folks who said a prayer for my friend this week - they received some good news.  Waiting for final results to arrive but from the preliminary scans and tests, things are looking good.  God is good. 

My spirits are back up and happy again.  Sorry about the low the other day, I don't like letting those days show to anyone but I know that I need to let those days out and that is why I'm blogging to get those pesky feelings out.  I appreciate those who took time out of their days to just listen and be there.  It means more to me than you could ever imagine, knowing I can trust you to be able to handle the inner me (good and dark sides) and to allow me the ability to get these things out.  The last time I went through this, I let a lot of it bottle up until the end when it all exploded out one night when my husband was out of town.  I got off work and just literally lost it - mental breakdown.  On the way home at about midnight, I called the company's EAP line and just cried and cried - all the anger, fear, frustration, and pain just exploded out. I was tired of putting on the happy face for everyone and their brother.  After that, I was ok.  So going for the more, slow release theory this time around. 

This weekend will be a spring cleaning weekend.... ohhhh fun! I know, you wish you could be me this weekend here. Thank you all for the encouragement and support.  Oh and by the way, the surgery location has healed beautifully. Looks more like a scratch everyday.  I seriously love my surgeon... he is the best thing in the world. Just hope the radiation doesn't mess with it too much but we shall see. 

Have a great weekend!!!! Woooo hooooo

I'm having a moment... pardon the darkness

Today I have to two goals with this blog...

1) Tell you about my doctor appointment
2) To get as many people to pray for a special friend and her family

I want to start with my friend.  I can't go in much detail, however my friend has been fighting her own fight and it has been a hell of a battle.  Recently, something happened and more tests are to come to find out the future.  My heart pours out to my friend and their family.  I feel helpless in so many ways - I don't know what to say and I feel like a lifetime away.  This is the best way I know how to get more prayers sending up for them.  I love you! Many hugs and prayers my special friend.

Today I had a Radiation Oncology appointment.  I like my radiation oncologist - she is very open and upfront with the information.  So, you're not allowed to start treatments and then stop them and then pick them back up sooooo my vacation is causing me to push back my treatments for a few weeks.  We will start the prep work June 25 and probably start treatments Thursday of that week.  With that being said, treatments will end mid August.  This is pushing itself into my other plans that I have been planning.  Hopefully, it won't interfere too much.  She has calmed my nerves about several things and she is compassionate when it comes to the things that hit me hard; deciding not to have kids of my own, going into menopause at 29, and just the suckiness of this disease.  She is upfront when we ask questions and doesn't cut corners when telling us the cold truth about what's to come.  Rather than just having one radiated breast, they both are going to get it b/c my other one is sooo damn perky it is gonna get hit.  She said "there just isn't a way to get it out of the way because it is just sooo perky."  This is as she is trying to push it out of the way and putting a good amount of pressure on and both of us are kind of giggling.  I know it isn't funny, but 1. just my luck 2. come on really - tell me it isn't funny! Who ever complains about having perky boobs????  It is either she radiates the other breast or radiates more of my lung.  Sacrifice 2 implants rather than just 1 is the lesser of two evils.

I can get sun at least now when I go to the beach without having to be overly protective of that area.  Obviously, I'll still be vigilante to make sure I don't get completely burnt however I can tan up and be ok.  She was joking as we were walking out and said... "I'll show you sunburn when you get back." 

With the events of today, it has put what I am debating about into perspective more.  It has been a hard afternoon on my emotions and thoughts.  I wonder/analyze things a lot naturally but today, they are a bit more in focus as to why I'm doing things but other ways, more confused.  It's hard to explain.  My spirits are high, but my heart hurts right now for my friend.  I think it made some of the conversation I had with my radiation oncologist happen when otherwise it wouldn't have.  The truth about cancer treatment - there is no right answer and it doesn't play fair.  Which odds do you go with... the odds of getting cancer in 15-20 years because your so young and will live to that point in the radiated area or do you just take the chances with no radiation and just don't get pregnant or do you take your risks of not doing hormonal therapy vs. the complications of going into menopause at 29.  You are basically trading one bad thing for another.  Trading one death for another. You are killing yourself in one way in order to live a little longer.   When you think about the fact that some chemo is made with arsenic and radiation is something that we are always told to stay away from since it will kill a nasty death... it is kinda depressing and you really have to do some soul searching.  Before, the decision was easy - I say easy but I didn't think twice about doing chemo and the surgery but I find myself now, questioning every step I go.  I told my husband today "I wish I had a crystal ball and Fringe was real, so I could see the future of this reality and alternate universes of the various decisions I could follow."  I just want to be normal, live a normal life, be a normal wife to my husband.... I realize that is what makes me special and I'll never be normal but at 29 not being scared to get pregnant for fear that it could kill me and the worst thing I have to worry about is what we are doing over the weekend and if I have the right pair of shoes to go with it. Not saying that the issues that plague a normal 29 year old aren't important or as simple as shoes but just not to have to be concerned about things that aren't life threatening. 

Sorry this isn't a happy or uplifting day, this is one of those days of soul searching where % and risks and shit (pardon my french) start floating around.... "mama always said there'd be days like this."

Surprise!

The girls at work gave me the necklace pictured above; I was totally surprised.  They peeped into my cube; 3 of them; and I wasn't sure what to think of the three of them.  They said "we wanted to give you something"... These ladies make me laugh (and I mean, belly laugh, tears rolling down my face, snorting laughing) and are so sweet.  Thank you ladies for accepting into the group and being so kind to me.  I appreciate it and love you guys!

Thanks to my cancer family! Love you ladies

When I went through my cancer in 2008, there was an amazing woman who had gone through what I was getting ready to go through.  She understood what I was getting ready to go through and the feelings better than anyone since she was close to my age.  It was difficult in the beginning to talk to people who were in the "normal" age range for breast cancer, I needed that younger perspective. They'd had their children and had the opportunity to breast feed, they'd gone or were going through menopause at the normal time - I hadn't even had the opportunity to be pregnant (we had just started talking about having children seriously) before the chance was ripped from my dreams, I was going to go through menopause momentarily for chemo at 25 how is this chemo and hormone therapy crap going to effect my chances for a family, and ulimately am I going to meet my maker before I turn 30?  How was this going to effect my wants for a family? This isn't a normal "young" person thing, how did you handle the stares, the questions, etc?  How did it effect your relationship with your husband? She helped me prepare mentally for things, brought me peace with what I was going through, and helped me navigate the road. 

She had gone through radiation and after chatting with her online a bit, she has calmed some of my anxiety about radiation. Once again Kim, you have helped me cope with the reality of the situation and I thank you.  I can never say thank you enough. 

I've met some amazing people on my road with cancer.  The network of support is amazing, even though situations are different, they support you through it all even without saying words sometimes. Just knowing there is someone that you can lean on when times get  you down, is awesome.  I love the ladies I have met on the journey - you know who you are :)

Hot Bald Chick Ain't Comin' Back - Sorry Buddy

When I went bald during chemo the first go around I had 2 friends who were married.  They were hilarious and we would have very in depth and interesting convos to say the least.  They are open minded about their thoughts and we would discuss different topics and toss ideas around.  They helped to open my mind to different thoughts... I loved our convos! We were very blunt with each other and didn't hold much back which created a large amount of trust between the 3 of us.  The reason for this info is to provide a little insight into our relationship and why it was ok for the conversation to happen in the first place.

When I was about 1/2 way through my chemo in 2008 I was of course smooth and bald.  I smiled and laughed everywhere I went.  We were all hanging out and my friend's husband made the comment about me being "the hot bald chick."  So that has been my nickname ever since.  He was happy that hair had started to come back but at the same slightly disappointed because I was a cutie without hair - if I may so myself.  Fast forward to the other day when I posted that "no balding for this chick" and a personal message came across a few hours later with this...

hey i just told [husband] the good news and he is super happy for you but then got a little disappointed that you wont be the hot bald chic again, now youre just the hot chic and apparently the bald thing makes it x10. (hope you got a laugh out of that, if not, we are giant assholes and apologize)

This made me crack up laughing because I could really see them having this conversation, his face of relief that I didn't have to go through chemo, and then as he realized I wasn't going to be bald anymore and her cracking laughing and trying to comfort him.  I appreciated the laugh, recently these guys moved away to live their dream and I so miss them but can't be happier for the two of them.  They moved the week I found out and really missed having her around to go and grab a drink with me.  I could tell her anything without worry that she would say anything and she would give me her blunt feelings about it.  Thank you lady for that!

There is a large part of me that is happy that I don't have to go through chemo again but at the same time, it is the part of the treatments that made me learn so much about myself.  I learned how to stand tall with my head held high and not care who looked at me or what was said.  It gave me the strength and confidence that I hadn't had prior.  Let's not forget the not shaving for about 8 months, automatic air conditioning to the scalp, and a few other extras.  All I'm saying is, it is an experience that made me stronger and if I had gone through it a second time, maybe I could have learned more about myself.  But, I am COMPLETELY ok with not having chemo any day of the week.

Speaking of confidence in yourself.... I wish more people would have confidence in themselves.  There are plenty of strong people out there who don't believe in themselves and then there are those who think they are the world.  The only person who will believe in you and pull you through situations is yourself. You can have the support of the people around you but you have to have the strength to pull yourself out of the depths of your personal hells sometimes.  I went to my personal hells several times during 2008 and I had to find that strength to climb those dark, slippery tunnel walls back to the surface.  (When I was in these moments, I saw myself in a well type of hole with a bright light sooooo far away and I was in a cold, dark, moist place.  Sometimes it felt like I was falling through levels only hitting a false bottom, crash through it to the next level.) My family and friends held me and supported me through those times but it was me fighting my demons inside and keeping myself from being buried alive mentally.  Because I had to do that, I developed a confidence that made me stronger and more stubborn.  I am proud to be who I am and I show it.  I am not cocky in the way I carry myself and talk but confident. Unfortunately, people read my confidence as a threat or cockiness.  Those are the farthest things from my mind when I meet you.  I am a down to earth, loving individual. Do I have opinions - strong ones occasionally, yes - do I have thoughts that aren't main stream, yes - am I afraid to do things I've never done before, hell no I went skydiving for crying out loud, am I afraid of making mistakes - horribly terrified of making mistakes but I'm not afraid trying things, offering ideas and testing them out.   Please take the time to meet me and get to know me before you make opinions about me or other people.

I think one of the sexiest things about people (male or female) is when they are confident with themselves, hold their heads high even in times of great pain, and know who they are and what they want out of life.

And my arm says.... IT'S HOT!

My arm tells me when the weather decides to change by swelling.  Oh the joys of having breast cancer and having 30 of your lymphnodes removed which are more than 90% of the ones you have. So do you want a quick biology lesson????


Lymphedema

Lymphnodes are like tiny little pumps within your body.  They help move lymph fluid around your body and remove nasty things to keep you healthy and remove infection from the body. So, when you remove these puppies, you still have fluid flowing but you don't have those pumps helping to pull the fluid out of the extremities.  When the fluid gets into your extremities and you have reduced capacity of lymphnodes, the fluid gets stuck and stays there.  In order to get the fluid out, you have to perform lymphatic massages and compression.  If you see me rubbing my right arm, chest, shoulders, back or side (on the right side only), I am attempting to do a massage to get the fluid and lymphnodes in other areas of my body activated to accept the additional fluid that I will be moving manually.  If you see me with these beautiful sleeves, horrible wrappings on my fingers, and/or wonder Ace looking bandages on my arms (only if it gets severe do the Ace bandage looking things come out), that is me compressing the fluid out.

So, why does it flare in the summer time?  There are several reasons:

1)  Heat causes your vessels to expand in order to keep your body cool.  In doing so, more fluid is moved around the body and gets trapped much quicker than I can move it out. 
2) Getting cuts or scratches can cause it swell also since when you get cuts or scrapes the lymph fluid is the fluid that goes to push bacteria out and keep it from getting infected. So, with extra fluid going to the rescue...
3) Exercising or extreme activity levels because you are moving fluids around more with increased heart beats.
4) Flying because of the change in elevation.... you can actually watch it swell as you ascending... but unfortunately, descending doesn't take it out... grrr... had a dude argue with me one time on this, I about snapped his head off but I remained the adult in the situation.

Things that help to control it:
1) lymphatic massage/manual drainage
2) compression
3) Stretching - yoga
4) Aerobics
5) Swimming does wonders! Yet another reason to go the beach!!!!!!! Woooooot! June 18th baby!

Now, I am bad and don't abide by these things because these sleeves are uncomfortable, create a lot of looks and questions and sometimes I just don't feel like talking about it, people telling me what I have and how to handle it who have NO idea what it is, and people thinking they know what it is and telling me how to handle it.  I don't mind questions at all, in fact I like educating people on what it is so they are aware (the reason I do this blog) - I know it is something that people don't see all the time but don't try to lecture me on how I should try this or try that when you don't know what your talking about. 

People who worked with me at HomEq understand that I was open to questions but I would give them my disclaimer "If you want to know something, please ask. I don't care how personal or embarrassing you think it is, there is no stupid question.  You may not have wanted to ask your grandma questions and I am learning from this as I go and want to help people understand this disease and not be afraid of it.  So ask the questions you have, however, understand that if you ask me a question, I will tell you all the nitty gritty details.  I won't leave anything out."  Everyone respected that and they would ask questions because we were all young and obviously, not many 25 year olds go through this thing.  My point in saying this is...... if you have questions, please ask - I'd rather you ask then for you to have questions and wonder. My venting point above was for those individuals who say... "you don't know what your talking about", "well when I swell I do this to get it down (unrelated to lymphedema), just do that and then you don't have to wear those things", etc.

**Ring Ring**
Class, this is all for today's lesson! Have a great Memorial Day weekend!!!

And we have a "go" pattern....

My Medical Oncologist called me today and his consultation agreed that chemotherapy isn't necessary! Woo hoo!! I know... everyone is sad they don't get to see this fabulous bald head come out and play again and no auto AC at the beach this year.  I am excited tho about no chemo for the obvious reasons... nausea and potential to murder my heart.  I will have to do 7 weeks of radiation and then hormonal therapy which I'm not thrilled about but if doing that for 2-3 years keeps me from having to get this news again, it's worth it I guess.  So personal summers....here I come!!! I go on Tuesday to meet with my Radiation Oncologist for the final meeting before I start the radiation treatments.  Let's get this show on the road :)  If for some reason the hormone therapy is rejected by my body and I just can't handle it like what happened the original time I tried it 4 years ago, then we might look at chemo at that time however, they may have a difficult time figuring out what kind of chemo I can have since the chemo I had the first round was hard core stuff and could kill my heart. 

Tomorrow is Friday! Just in case you forgot :)

Holding Pattern and Blackberries (not the phones!!)

Holding patterns are theme in my life right now.  Still sitting in a holding pattern waiting on the Medical Oncologist to consult with his peers at UNC Chapel Hill on options with hormone therapy and chemotherapy.  I just want to get this thing on the road so that I can be done with it sooner.  I really don't feel like putting my life on hold for this thing again.  I have so many things that are being held right now because I'm waiting to see what the decision is and also trying to get things wrapped up with radiation before other things kick in.  Can't elaborate right now on any of those things but hopefully soon I can.  It just seems that everything that I wanted and goals I had made for myself decided to hit all at the same time.  It is amazing how lucky I am, how my strengths and ethics have made a name for themselves in so many ways and the support that I have from people all over the country.  

I have 2 dreams right now... be cancer free FOREVER this time around and one other thing. I hope I have the opportunity to make them both come true.  I had set a goal a few years ago for something and have worked like a crazy mad woman to meet that goal and I can taste the opportunity.  Once again, holding patterns are my life themes currently. 

My incision looks amazing! It is finally not feeling irritated and swollen after a full day of work.  The DermaFlex is finally starting to peel off and the scar is almost not even noticable.  I can't say thank you enough to my surgeon, he is absolute amazing.  He takes care of me physically and emotionally.  He treats me like a human and an adult which I think sometimes they want to treat me as a child since I am so much younger than their "normal" patients.  I'm not normal in any way of word, so why should I be a normal patient! Ha!! I make them laugh, I joke about my condition, and I think sometimes they think I'm just plain looney.  I am sure they are concerned as others are when they hear me talk about what's happening so non-shilantly that I don't take things seriously and understand the overall impact of the situation.  I hate to tell them - I know! Probably better than they realize but I'd rather laugh about it.  Crying about it only depresses me and I hate being depressed.  I saw my grandfather suffer for years with cancer, I saw it eat away at his body taking a physically strong man and break him down to a frail, delicate man.  But his faith remained strong through it all.  I know the effects of cancer all too well and want to avoid that outcome at all costs. 

Went to get my hair trimmed the other day and told my hair stylist that I was thinking of getting some really light highlights put in however if I paid $80 and then found I had to have chemo causing my hair to fall out 2 weeks to the day after the first treatment.... I might be a little pissed and so would the hubby.  So once again..... holding pattern! Ha!! Wow!! Good googly moogly....

We have several blackberry vines around out fence that are domesticated with no thorns but the sweetest things you have ever put in your mouth.  One of them has grown up making a beautiful little shade area for the dogs to hang out.  They are in the process of producing fruit.  I am sooooo excited to see them this year.  Last year I was pulling 3 cups a week of if not more - there were plenty that feel to their rotten death and plenty that went into Chris' belly before I had a chance to grab them - and this year the thing is even bigger.  So... any blackberry recipes you may have, I am ready and willing to try.  If you are close and would like a bag or so blackberries, let us know. I'm afraid they won't ship very well sorry for those elsewhere.  The picture of the whole bush is only a partial of that one bush.  It is MASSIVE! The other one of the other side of the house isn't quite that big but it still puts a bunch of fruit out. 

Quick Update...

I am waiting for my oncologist to consult with oncologists in Chapel Hill about my case to determine if I will have chemo and if so, what kind.  So waiting to hear back about that and then we can start radiation and get that knocked out quickly.

My surgeon said that the tumor came back with clear margins - woo hoo! The means he was able to remove the entire tumor and no additional surgeries at this time.  The side that was against my implant had a clear margin of 3 mm. If you aren't sure of how big that is.... it is freakin' small! 

The last few days have been busy and insane, I'm ready for a little calm time.

Happy Mother's Day

Happy Mother's Day to all the loving mothers of 2 legged and 4 legged children.  Spent the day with the in laws and with my mom.  Busy but fun day. 

In the process decided to try to include my pinky in the meal.  Using a ceramic knife I bought, which turned out to be way way sharp and slices through anything with such ease, my pinky got in the way of slicing some bread.  It didn't bleed at first and then wouldn't stop gushing.  Chris wrapped her up tightly after an hour of gushing.  I can move it so ligaments and muscles seem to be ok but it hurts. 

Prepping for a fun filled busy week - several doctor appointments this week and hopefully more good news to come.  Will continue to smile and laugh and enjoy each day to the fullest...

I'm sooo excited!

Yesterday was a good day.  I was peppy and feeling a lot better.  My incision is starting to heal up and not be so tender finally.  Just waiting on results still. I have a medical oncology appointment Monday and a follow up for the surgery on Wednesday.

This morning I thought I had one baby shower and next week the other baby shower however I was wrong. I have two baby showers today! Fun filled day to come with good people.

Pesky Little Boob Pest

I've always been intrigued by the things we can't see with the naked eye.  It is amazing how beautiful the tiniest most evil things in the world are under a microscope.  How something so damn small can be so damn mean?  There are many types of breast cancer out there but above is a picture of 1 form of breast cancer.  I was looking for an awesome looking picture to add on here to spruce the blog up and working with the layout and all that and came across this picture and thought I'd share it. I've learned more about medical stuff and medical insurance/billing than I ever really wanted to know.

Workin' Girl

Sitting at home for a few days with the instructions of no lifting, no stretching, basically sit and do nothing.  That is hard to do when the rest of your body and mind feels and works just fine.  I decided to go back to work on Tuesday and for the most part went well. I was a little slower than normal but was able to get caught up on a lot of things.  I woke up this morning and was sore, maybe over did it a bit on Tuesday.  I put in almost a full day today before I needed to take a break and relax at home. 

I am listening to the doctors and not lifting with my right arm - well as long as I catch myself in time - and not stretching at all. To assist with this, I have created quite a cocoon on the bed with pillows to help me keep from rolling around and splitting the incision open.  If I'm not careful, I might get used to this and officially claim the entire thing as mine! At night is the worst time since I am not conscious enough to know if I'm stretching or rolling too much pulling the incision around.  Because of all this focus and less comfort, it is healing quite nicely.  Once I get a few weeks out, I'll put silicone strips on the incision which will help to keep the incision flat so the it doesn't scar badly and also lighten the scar up.  I did this with the last and it helped the healing and aesthetics of the scars a lot.  Worth the extra effort and money - works better than Mederma. 

Right now, we are waiting for the results of the tumor to come back. I can only hope that it was a false positive with the FNA (fine needle aspiration biopsy).  A friend of mine is going through Proton radiation therapy and I am looking at it online.  It is fairly new to the breast cancer treatment arena from what I can see and still considered slightly experimental since they haven't been able to observe the long term effects.  The main positive points are:

1. Treatment time goes from 7 weeks (1x day for 5 days for 7 weeks) to 2 weeks (1x day for 5 days for 2 weeks). 
2. Focused to a specific point - less radiation to the surrounding tissues.  With photon radiation, there is a risk to the lungs, heart, and other breast but with proton radiation there is a less risk of radiation to those organs. This would also protect my ribs - I am ultimately sacrificing the implant on my right side to protect my organs and ribs.  The radiation will be right on my rib cage, for this reason it will weaken my rib cage dramatically on my right side.  I could be reaching to pick up the remote and crack a rib in the future.  Actually, very possible per the radiation oncologist.  
3. Skin issues, implant issues reduced.  Possibility I won't have to have that major surgery in 3-5 years to reconstruct my entire chest again.  This would involve taking skin and tissue from my stomach or back, pulling my shoulder muscle around to the front of my chest - very painful and extensive.  

Down sides:

1. Be away from home during this entire time. Apparently there are only 8 places in the nation that have a proton radiation device. 
2. Costs 5x more than standard photon radiation treatment. Will insurance cover it?
3. Still consider "experimental" for my type of cancer, are the short term benefits worth not knowing the long term? 
4. They aren't sure of the effects of the scattering neutrons are... will the neutrons go off and create a cancer somewhere else in the body versus keeping any additional cancers in my chest/breast area?

 I called my radiation oncologist and she said I could reach out to 2 locations that currently have the treatment option and ask their options for my situation.  I will start the calling and asking process soon. At least this way, I can hear what the options are and if it is a viable option for me.  Long term effects of radiation treatment since I'm so young is that radiation can cause "radiation induced cancers" for me in the future.  The chemo I had previously, has the side effect of increasing my risk of lymphoma in the future.  Trying to treat the body for one thing, may inherently cause a whole nother issue later.  Fun times in the neighborhood.

Blooming Tulips and Flowers

These are the pictures of the flowers my friends Kevin and Jennifer sent me. They are so pretty blooming today.

Fighting Boredom.... hmmm what to do?!?!?!

There is absolutely nothing on for day time television. I am getting so bored sitting around the house.  Not allowed to pick anything up, no stretching, and the such so that I don't pull the incision open.  After sleeping the last 2 nights in the recliner so I wouldn't roll on my incision, I am going to try to actually sleep in the bed tonight. Woke up this morning a little sore but not as bad as yesterday. It is healing up quite nicely.  I am having to really focus on not overdoing it since I am healing so well. I am only 2.5 days out of surgery and have 14 days to not stretch or pick stuff up. It is gonna be a long 2 weeks!! Hopefully the people at work keep me from over doing also. 

New Member of the Cook Scar Community

This is the new scar added to my side.  It is being welcomed into the Cook Scar community. It is healing well and my doctor did a fantastic job as before making sure it is smooth connection.  No stitches, he used DermaFlex to keep it together.  The small dot at the bottom of the pic is where he went in from the side to get the biopsy on 4.16.  The incision itself is about 2 inches long.  He cut an oval shape around the tumor and went down removing the segment/wedge of tissue to ensure he got the tumor and the tissue surrounding it. Then he scraped the implant to pull it off the implant wall. 

I received some beautiful flowers today from some friends which was a pleasant surprise to wake up to mid day.  Pictures to come as soon as they bloom a little more.  Thank you!

Ding! Round 1: Deidre 2 Cancer 0

Please pardon any typos since I am typing this on my ittsy bittsy iPod.

Had my surgery yesterday morning. We were able to sleep in and get ready in a relax manner rather than like zombies. We arrived at the hospital right at the appointment when I realized I left the order paperwork at home. Now I focused on those darn papers all week and forgot them the day of. Luckily they had the orders and didn't need the paperwork. They immediately took me back. I turned and gave my mom a big hug and told her I'd see her soon. I gave her hard time in a joking way to make her laugh earlier during admissions. I hadn't eaten anything since midnight and it was 11am. She had bought me some Reese's to eat when I was out of surgery. She whips those puppies out waves them in my face as she gives them to Chris "thanks mom, wave the precious in front of the starving girl" she laughed hysterically. Then on the elevator she said "I thought about stopping by your house to be sure you had breakfast" and jokingly glared over at her and said "really?" she laughed again. I like to see my mom laugh especially when it deals with difficult things. I know she is sad having to watch me go through all this again so I work to keep her laughing.

After giving her the big hug went back to the outpatient room and Chris and I joked and laughed. After the nurse came in my friend Mary Black came in and said hello. She took time to come and see me while she was working at the hospital. It was so good to see her. She had a conversation with my surgeon beforehand Nd told him to be steady handed today and that he was saving the beat for last - that would be me if you were wondering! :) Listened to some Rolling Stones while they prepped me in the holding tank. It is funny because nurses walk by and remember me from all my surgeries in 2008 and 2009. When I was on recovery and as soon as I opened my eyes still drugged up the first thing I did was reach up slowly and felt 1 boob and the 2 boob.... Woohoo! I said something about it to the nurse and she chuckled. I continued doing that to make sure I wasn't dreaming it the time before. They rolled me back to the outpatient room and I told my husband "I still have 2 boobs!" he just laughed. That was my biggest fear and he knew that I was ok as long I had 2 boobs. The things that make you happy and laugh. I was thinking about how my bathing suits would look if I didn't have boob. Gotta look good in that thang! And I disgress. The rest of the evening I took it easy. Laid on the sofa with my pillow and blanket. Our friend Amanda made a delicious dinner and brought it over. It was quite tastey! I slept in the recliner to be sure that I didn't roll on my incision. Woke up this morning and my incision was hurting so bad. Despite the pain I am glad it is out. It had started to hurt day to day which worried me that it was growing.

Chris was able to see the ultrasound pictures of my tumor and the before and after pics. He was shocked at how close it was to my implant. I love my surgeon he is amazing. He not only takes care of me physically but he treats us (Chris and myself) as humans and adults. He doesn't talk down to me or treat me like a child. We joke and laugh together and he takes the time that is needed to make sure I fully understand everything. I trust him completely. God has placed amazing medical resources at my finger tips and amazing loving friends and family. love you guys!

About forgot... They are running several tests and those results will return within the next 1-2 weeks. So we will get the details throughout that time. The results determine the treatment plan to come. This is the beginning but let's rock cancer's world again and show him the strength of the human will to survive again.

Let's Rumble! Round 1

It's funny, I received a text message yesterday saying "good luck tomorrow, let us know how it goes."  Then today, I received so many of the "good luck today" messages I began to wonder if I lost a day somewhere and I was where I needed to be.  Thank you all for the positive thoughts. I was awake last night til about 1am starting thinking about everything and this is the beginning of the craziness to come.  Kinda scares me a little but I am ready for the fight.  I try to not ask myself "why me" because as my very special grandfather told me when he was diagnosed with prostate cancer and eventually consumed him "God doesn't give you what you can't handle, if I didn't have this someone else would, and I can't have that."  As a friend of mine posted on my facebook page "I'm a bigger bitch than cancer."  I know that some may think that is a horrible thing to say but that friend is like a brother and we have our moments of pure hatred and love for each other.  He knows me probably better than most and he is right.  You want a fight.... I'm ready!!  :)

Today, I got to see a very special friend who makes me laugh and is very stylish, if I may say so myself.  I misss seeing my other friends in TN but soon we shall see each other.  Today has been a matter of ensuring everything is ready to rock and roll for tomorrow.  Surgery is scheduled and we are in a "go" pattern.  Be at the hospital at 10:45am.  Now the interesting part will be that I can't eat after midnight... now what's my most favoritest thing in the whole wide world.... eating! What do I do first thing in the morning??? Eat! What happens when Deidre doesn't eat???? Ohhhhhh cranky alter ego Deidre comes out.  Oh and let's not forget the wonderful sinus headaches I've been having recently and unable to take anything for them per the discussion with the nurse.  So sinus headaches with hunger/low sugar headaches - I'ma gonna be a peach tomorrow! LOL Staying up to midnight, the last minute of the hour and chowing down.  As I told my cousin, going to do the 74oz steak challenge tonight with all the dressings!

Been a hectic last few days. Cancelled my trip to see friends in TN, caught up with a friend and watched "5 Year Engagement", birthday party and getting ready for the surgery here at the house.  It's kinda bad to say I am sure, but I now have a routine before surgery - prep the house and cook enough food for the time I'm down.  I am ready to get this thing out. It is starting to get sore for no reason, hate feeling it just being there.  Just one more day.  Tuesday I find out what time the thing comes out and hopefully end up still having an implant.  Let's get this show on the road!!

Beautiful Day!!!

Ok... really it was rainy and slightly chilly, but beautiful to see the rain coming down to water the grass and fill the streams for the animals to drink, chill of the morning and the warmth of the afternoon, and walk out to the sun and blue sky.  I think having cancer makes you appreciate the small things in life more or at least see them more. 

Today, my strength kicked back in and I was able to walk with my head held high, confident smile on my face, and no tears in my eyes.  I met with my surgeon Dr. Dagher first thing this morning and we discussed the plan for surgery next Wednesday.  As he is telling me the process, he explains there is a risk that since the tiny stinkin' tumor is on my implant, he might accidentally rupture the implant.  I immediately stop, give him the eye, and say "now, let me explain to you that I have faith (emphasizing faith) in you, that you will not rupture the implant and make me a 1 boob girl."  We all laugh in the room.  I am not the doom and gloomer patient, I bring laughter to the situation which is why I think I have the relationship with the doctors.  I am prepared for the surgery to happen, in fact some ways excited.  Means we begin, and get this over with quickly. 

I've been touched by the amount of love from new and old friends and strangers willing to take time to pray for me and my family. I can never say thank you enough.  God is good and alive!

Whoops Went Crazy Again 2008

Thinking about my first time around, I had some good times.  For Halloween that year I was Brittney Spears "Whoops I went Crazy Again."  I already had the hair due, had a sweat suit that I put a patient number on, a baby that smoked, swung by the arms, and didn't have a diaper til about 1/2 day and then only had a paper town wrapped out it, and a tattoo.  I was a great mom that day!  These are the moments I will remember - the good times with great friends! Thanks to all of the HQ family, you guys helped me more than you could ever know!

Rough Day

I have been overwhelmed by the words of encouragement and love over the last few days.  It has brought up so many emotions that I am emotionally drained I believe today.  Today was hard - I just wanted to curl up in a hole and cry. I canceled my trip I had been planning for the last few months to help save PTO and everything else.  I am going to miss seeing those people that I so enjoyed being around in my last job but especially my TK.  She is awesome if  you haven't had a chance to meet her!

What to do my last healthy weekend before I try to break my body down in order to save it???? When you really think about what I'm about to do to my body, sometimes I wonder is it really worth it all.  You are actually killing your body in order to get better.  I think I'm truly ok with the chemo and radiation - not that I really want it however I can handle that, it's short term.  The part I'm having difficulty with is their "hormonal therapy."  When I think of it, it just breaks this strong, stubborn girl and makes her cry and become weak.  The last thing I want is to be come a fleshy shell of a person with no natural female traits.  The decision to come will bring me a low and I hope I can make a logical decision and not an emotional one. 

I'm still figuring this blog thing out - so bare with me as I play and learn.  Keeping a smile on my face and in my heart.  I got through this once with a smile - I can do it again with the support of great friends and family! Let's get to kickin' some cancer ass!

Back to the beginning.....

April 2012 I was home and felt a knot in the same spot as my cancer.  This knot was a familiar feeling - hard, round, and tender.  I immediately the next day began calling my oncologist and surgeon.  They were both out of town but my surgeon squeezed me in first thing the following Monday.  I spent 3 hours with him and my plastic surgeon making sure it wasn't implant related.  The knot was 5 mm and sitting right on top of my implant.  Being ever so gentle, Dr. Dagher numbed the area up and went in for a fine needle aspiration.  I felt him hit the knot - I could tell he was concerned about me feeling it and trying to figure out what to do, I told him "just do what you gotta do now." I laid there trying to not move and fight through the pain.  Knowing the routine, I knew I'd hear something by Thursday.

On Wednesday, he called my at 4:30 asking where I was and concerned that I was at work he gave me his personal cell phone number and told me to call him when I got home.  I knew at this point, it wasn't just a scar or crazy capitulation of the implant.  He apologized to me for having to give me this news.  I handled a lot better than the last time.  He scheduled an appointment for me to visit with a radiation oncologist and again all the scans and tests.

After talking to Dr. Mack, the realization that I was getting ready to be put through radiation for sure, chemo and hormonal therapy potential began setting in.  I had a chest wall recurrence which apparently is most common when there is a distance cancer somewhere... meaning organs or other areas were effected.  That put things in check.  During the tests the next day, all I could think about was where it was and we were getting through this thing one way or the other.  At 6pm on Friday evening, Dr. Dagher called and let me know that all the tests were clear and normal so surgery was scheduled for May 2.  Now just to see some friends and prepare myself for the next steps.

Round 1 *Ding*

After purchasing my home in September 2007, I noticed a knot in my chest.  I was working to get my new home in shape and get my husband back on his feet. I knew people who'd had several cysts and I was too young for anything to be "bad". In January 2008, I noticed the knot was still there and tender.  My doctor set me up for an ultrasound of the knot.  When the results came back as a solid mass and not a cyst, he sent me to a surgeon almost immediately to get a biopsy, trying to reassure me the entire time "it is unlikely it's anything, but let's just be safe."  I met the most amazing surgeon, Dr. Dagher.  He came in on his day off to see a 25 year old patient he'd never met before.  He performed a biopsy and said the results would be on Thursday.  When I arrived to work on January 16, 2008, my world changed forever.

My records were merged together and caused an issue with my phones and he ended up calling my work number.  When I checked my voicemail and heard my surgeon's voice, my gut churned.  He told me, once I called him back, that in his 10 years of being a surgeon, I was his youngest patient he'd diagnosed with breast cancer.  I broke down, my world started spinning, I couldn't speak, and in utter disbelief.  The process started immediately; genetic testing, MRIs, CT scans, bone tests, and all the other fun cancer screening options but none of this matter because I had to make a decision about surgery.

Through this entire process from the point I was told to the end, I remembered what my grandpa Duncan said when I asked him why he had to have cancer. "I don't ask why I have cancer, God knows what you can handle.  If it wasn't me who had this, it would be someone else going through it."  I remembered those words constantly, when I started getting down.  God knows I could handle it, at times it was challenging to keep a smile on my face but I knew He would take care of me and I had the love and support of so many great people.  

What 25 year old, wants to make a decision to have a mastectomy, much less a bi-lateral mastectomy.  What would my husband think, what will it look like, how will it feel?  The last thing I wanted to do was worry about it popping up again and having more surgeries and chemos in the future, so I decided I would have a bi-lateral mastectomy.  The decisions were made after talking to my general surgeon and my plastic surgeon.  Both of which were extremely knowledgeable and caring. They took the time to explain everything and allow me to cry on their shoulders when the moment hit.

Dr. Dagher introduced me Kim, who'd been through it at age 30.  It made it easier since I felt alone because of my age.  She helped to comfort me by answering my questions and helping to clear away my fears. 

Once I was able to gather myself together, I began joking with my doctors.  They understood I wasn't avoiding the situation or taking the situation lightly but that this was me - focused on the positives and push through this massive weight I'd been given. 

On February 25, 2008, I had a bi-lateral mastectomy, axillary dissection, and expanders for reconstruction. When I arrived for surgery, I was blown away by the family both mine and Chris' that showed up to support us through this.  We said a quick prayer led by Chris' grandfather Joel when my name was called to go to surgery prep.  Chris was with me until they rolled me back to surgery.  After 7 hours, I went to a private room to rest and recover.  The pain, I can't describe, when I woke up the burning on my chest - everyone was so intense.  I couldn't breathe because I'd been on a ventilator for so long my lungs weren't kicking back in immediately.  Once they kicked back in, the pain of breathing was horrible.  I remember the look on my parents faces especially my dad when I tried to scoot up and it was too painful and asked him to not touch me or help.  He was strong but I could tell it killed him to see me lying there in my hospital bed in so much pain.  My mom, she just wanted to take my place so I didn't have to. Chris stayed by my side for the next 2 nights in the hospital.  I couldn't have asked for a better and loving husband.

Over the next few weeks, I stayed home overwhelmed by the people I worked with.  They made us food so Chris wouldn't have to work, the cards of encouragement, and checking in on me.  When I returned to work, I walked in to round of applause that broke me down in front of everyone.  The people I worked with at this time, were amazing.  We joked, we laughed, and they supported me when I was weak.  They asked questions and I was honest in my responses.

I started chemo on April 11, 2008 after talking to Paul at the cancer center.  The cancer center was amazing, their support and compassion helped me through this difficult time.  I became their baby almost, they made sure my every need was taken care of, they learned my "schedule" of sickness and what set me off.  They supported my Harvest Yankee Candle that would make a ring around my face so that I wouldn't get sick by the smell of the center and help me unwrap my 1/2 a pack of Spearmint Orbitz gum before they flushed my Port-a-Cath out.  2 weeks after my first treatment, my hair began falling out.  Chris was out of town that weekend and when he returned he shaved my head.  He let me snot and cry all over his bald head.  I tried to joke through the sobing "it's not every day a husband gets to shave his wife's head."  I tried to wear wigs and wraps for about 2 weeks but I quickly realized if someone doesn't like me because I'm bald, then I don't need them around anyways.  I wore my baldness proudly.  I had a cute round head.  I kept my eye lashes until the chemo when I lost the last one.  We went to the beach that year in June and it was nice being bald - I didn't have to worry about shaving my legs and had automatic AC if I got hot.  After 6 rounds of chemo, on July 24, 2008 I took my last round of chemo. I don't remember much during this time since I spent 1/2 this time in an anti nausea medicine coma to keep from getting sick.  My mom would come sit with me after chemo while Chris went to work.  She would just sit there, quiet, and I remember one time I made her watch the Sweeney Todd barber movie with Johnny Depp and I could hear her shock with the movie. She was such a trooper.

I had 2 lymphnodes that were positive which is why I had 30 lymphnodes removed during the axillary dissection.  I was on the border for getting radiation but I decided to not go with it.  I wanted my body back after 7 months of tests, pokes, and prods.  I now have lymphedema in my right arm requiring me to wear a compression sleeve to keep it from swelling too much.

I was so happy to be done with this part of my life, now to the reconstruction phase.  I'd been getting injections of saline to expand the muscles and tissues so Dr. Anagnos could reconstruct my breast.  In September 2008, I received my final set of twins.  There were several small cosmetic procedures done after this to complete this process. Upon completion of everything, I celebrated by going skydiving.

I thought I was done with the big C....