This is the real life story of a 25 year old fighting the fight of her life with breast cancer and then at 29 finding a recurrence and having to make life changing decisions. This is my story.

“You've done it before and you can do it now. See the positive possibilities. Redirect the substantial energy of your frustration and turn it into positive, effective, unstoppable determination.” Ralph Marston

I've been known as a strong willed, independent, and stubborn girl and woman. Maybe it all was planned to be that way so that I could succeed in this fight. I learn more about myself each day and what I can handle and what's really important in this world.


Friday, July 6, 2012

What does my future have in store.....

Radiation started yesterday.  The room is cold as ice, the machine is massive and daunting.  It rolls around you loudly and has a loud humming sound when the radiation is flowing. It's something like out of Terminator; a eye of a machine, opening and closing against your body and deciding your fate with it's cold and metallic gaze.  You see them on pictures or videos but it's like when I had a mammogram for the first time, completely different being in that machine and a realization that you are gambling now for the future and accepting the unknown fate of what this "treatment" is going to do to you later.  My breathing stays regular until they lock the several inch thick door behind them as I am in the room alone and hear the buzzing sound of the machine eradicating my body - for my safety, for my future.... for my unknown future.  When the machine starts its hypnotic humming sound, my breathing speeds up, my heart beats faster, and I realize if I move... I could hurt myself horribly.  Fear, nervousness, hits hard at that moment.  I have lost control of the situation at that very moment and for the next 5-10 minutes.  What is my future.......

Other than the internal tormol, I am doing fine physically.  Nothing really observed yet, probably the tingley sensation I had this morning going to work was probably in my head but my whole right side felt tingley.  Is that possible after 2 treatments?  Just before the treatments started, an achey feeling close to my incision that spread around the edge of the implant at the base on my chest wall. I am assuming it's scar tissue, but it is unsettling.

28 more treatments left... 30 total.  Lots of laying still. The young girls are so nice.  I have drawings all over my chest, that of course, people stare at my chest.  Learn the valuable skill of looking without staring or better yet.... ask, "hey did you go crazy with the marker?"  I think it's pretty funny and a good way of asking and breaking the ice.  Buy hey... it's just me.

Today is a down day all of a sudden... I am sorry I'm not upbeat like normal.  Maybe tomorrow will be better.
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