Hot Bald Chick Ain't Comin' Back - Sorry Buddy

When I went bald during chemo the first go around I had 2 friends who were married.  They were hilarious and we would have very in depth and interesting convos to say the least.  They are open minded about their thoughts and we would discuss different topics and toss ideas around.  They helped to open my mind to different thoughts... I loved our convos! We were very blunt with each other and didn't hold much back which created a large amount of trust between the 3 of us.  The reason for this info is to provide a little insight into our relationship and why it was ok for the conversation to happen in the first place.

When I was about 1/2 way through my chemo in 2008 I was of course smooth and bald.  I smiled and laughed everywhere I went.  We were all hanging out and my friend's husband made the comment about me being "the hot bald chick."  So that has been my nickname ever since.  He was happy that hair had started to come back but at the same slightly disappointed because I was a cutie without hair - if I may so myself.  Fast forward to the other day when I posted that "no balding for this chick" and a personal message came across a few hours later with this...

hey i just told [husband] the good news and he is super happy for you but then got a little disappointed that you wont be the hot bald chic again, now youre just the hot chic and apparently the bald thing makes it x10. (hope you got a laugh out of that, if not, we are giant assholes and apologize)

This made me crack up laughing because I could really see them having this conversation, his face of relief that I didn't have to go through chemo, and then as he realized I wasn't going to be bald anymore and her cracking laughing and trying to comfort him.  I appreciated the laugh, recently these guys moved away to live their dream and I so miss them but can't be happier for the two of them.  They moved the week I found out and really missed having her around to go and grab a drink with me.  I could tell her anything without worry that she would say anything and she would give me her blunt feelings about it.  Thank you lady for that!

There is a large part of me that is happy that I don't have to go through chemo again but at the same time, it is the part of the treatments that made me learn so much about myself.  I learned how to stand tall with my head held high and not care who looked at me or what was said.  It gave me the strength and confidence that I hadn't had prior.  Let's not forget the not shaving for about 8 months, automatic air conditioning to the scalp, and a few other extras.  All I'm saying is, it is an experience that made me stronger and if I had gone through it a second time, maybe I could have learned more about myself.  But, I am COMPLETELY ok with not having chemo any day of the week.

Speaking of confidence in yourself.... I wish more people would have confidence in themselves.  There are plenty of strong people out there who don't believe in themselves and then there are those who think they are the world.  The only person who will believe in you and pull you through situations is yourself. You can have the support of the people around you but you have to have the strength to pull yourself out of the depths of your personal hells sometimes.  I went to my personal hells several times during 2008 and I had to find that strength to climb those dark, slippery tunnel walls back to the surface.  (When I was in these moments, I saw myself in a well type of hole with a bright light sooooo far away and I was in a cold, dark, moist place.  Sometimes it felt like I was falling through levels only hitting a false bottom, crash through it to the next level.) My family and friends held me and supported me through those times but it was me fighting my demons inside and keeping myself from being buried alive mentally.  Because I had to do that, I developed a confidence that made me stronger and more stubborn.  I am proud to be who I am and I show it.  I am not cocky in the way I carry myself and talk but confident. Unfortunately, people read my confidence as a threat or cockiness.  Those are the farthest things from my mind when I meet you.  I am a down to earth, loving individual. Do I have opinions - strong ones occasionally, yes - do I have thoughts that aren't main stream, yes - am I afraid to do things I've never done before, hell no I went skydiving for crying out loud, am I afraid of making mistakes - horribly terrified of making mistakes but I'm not afraid trying things, offering ideas and testing them out.   Please take the time to meet me and get to know me before you make opinions about me or other people.

I think one of the sexiest things about people (male or female) is when they are confident with themselves, hold their heads high even in times of great pain, and know who they are and what they want out of life.

And my arm says.... IT'S HOT!

My arm tells me when the weather decides to change by swelling.  Oh the joys of having breast cancer and having 30 of your lymphnodes removed which are more than 90% of the ones you have. So do you want a quick biology lesson????


Lymphedema

Lymphnodes are like tiny little pumps within your body.  They help move lymph fluid around your body and remove nasty things to keep you healthy and remove infection from the body. So, when you remove these puppies, you still have fluid flowing but you don't have those pumps helping to pull the fluid out of the extremities.  When the fluid gets into your extremities and you have reduced capacity of lymphnodes, the fluid gets stuck and stays there.  In order to get the fluid out, you have to perform lymphatic massages and compression.  If you see me rubbing my right arm, chest, shoulders, back or side (on the right side only), I am attempting to do a massage to get the fluid and lymphnodes in other areas of my body activated to accept the additional fluid that I will be moving manually.  If you see me with these beautiful sleeves, horrible wrappings on my fingers, and/or wonder Ace looking bandages on my arms (only if it gets severe do the Ace bandage looking things come out), that is me compressing the fluid out.

So, why does it flare in the summer time?  There are several reasons:

1)  Heat causes your vessels to expand in order to keep your body cool.  In doing so, more fluid is moved around the body and gets trapped much quicker than I can move it out. 
2) Getting cuts or scratches can cause it swell also since when you get cuts or scrapes the lymph fluid is the fluid that goes to push bacteria out and keep it from getting infected. So, with extra fluid going to the rescue...
3) Exercising or extreme activity levels because you are moving fluids around more with increased heart beats.
4) Flying because of the change in elevation.... you can actually watch it swell as you ascending... but unfortunately, descending doesn't take it out... grrr... had a dude argue with me one time on this, I about snapped his head off but I remained the adult in the situation.

Things that help to control it:
1) lymphatic massage/manual drainage
2) compression
3) Stretching - yoga
4) Aerobics
5) Swimming does wonders! Yet another reason to go the beach!!!!!!! Woooooot! June 18th baby!

Now, I am bad and don't abide by these things because these sleeves are uncomfortable, create a lot of looks and questions and sometimes I just don't feel like talking about it, people telling me what I have and how to handle it who have NO idea what it is, and people thinking they know what it is and telling me how to handle it.  I don't mind questions at all, in fact I like educating people on what it is so they are aware (the reason I do this blog) - I know it is something that people don't see all the time but don't try to lecture me on how I should try this or try that when you don't know what your talking about. 

People who worked with me at HomEq understand that I was open to questions but I would give them my disclaimer "If you want to know something, please ask. I don't care how personal or embarrassing you think it is, there is no stupid question.  You may not have wanted to ask your grandma questions and I am learning from this as I go and want to help people understand this disease and not be afraid of it.  So ask the questions you have, however, understand that if you ask me a question, I will tell you all the nitty gritty details.  I won't leave anything out."  Everyone respected that and they would ask questions because we were all young and obviously, not many 25 year olds go through this thing.  My point in saying this is...... if you have questions, please ask - I'd rather you ask then for you to have questions and wonder. My venting point above was for those individuals who say... "you don't know what your talking about", "well when I swell I do this to get it down (unrelated to lymphedema), just do that and then you don't have to wear those things", etc.

**Ring Ring**
Class, this is all for today's lesson! Have a great Memorial Day weekend!!!

And we have a "go" pattern....

My Medical Oncologist called me today and his consultation agreed that chemotherapy isn't necessary! Woo hoo!! I know... everyone is sad they don't get to see this fabulous bald head come out and play again and no auto AC at the beach this year.  I am excited tho about no chemo for the obvious reasons... nausea and potential to murder my heart.  I will have to do 7 weeks of radiation and then hormonal therapy which I'm not thrilled about but if doing that for 2-3 years keeps me from having to get this news again, it's worth it I guess.  So personal summers....here I come!!! I go on Tuesday to meet with my Radiation Oncologist for the final meeting before I start the radiation treatments.  Let's get this show on the road :)  If for some reason the hormone therapy is rejected by my body and I just can't handle it like what happened the original time I tried it 4 years ago, then we might look at chemo at that time however, they may have a difficult time figuring out what kind of chemo I can have since the chemo I had the first round was hard core stuff and could kill my heart. 

Tomorrow is Friday! Just in case you forgot :)

Holding Pattern and Blackberries (not the phones!!)

Holding patterns are theme in my life right now.  Still sitting in a holding pattern waiting on the Medical Oncologist to consult with his peers at UNC Chapel Hill on options with hormone therapy and chemotherapy.  I just want to get this thing on the road so that I can be done with it sooner.  I really don't feel like putting my life on hold for this thing again.  I have so many things that are being held right now because I'm waiting to see what the decision is and also trying to get things wrapped up with radiation before other things kick in.  Can't elaborate right now on any of those things but hopefully soon I can.  It just seems that everything that I wanted and goals I had made for myself decided to hit all at the same time.  It is amazing how lucky I am, how my strengths and ethics have made a name for themselves in so many ways and the support that I have from people all over the country.  

I have 2 dreams right now... be cancer free FOREVER this time around and one other thing. I hope I have the opportunity to make them both come true.  I had set a goal a few years ago for something and have worked like a crazy mad woman to meet that goal and I can taste the opportunity.  Once again, holding patterns are my life themes currently. 

My incision looks amazing! It is finally not feeling irritated and swollen after a full day of work.  The DermaFlex is finally starting to peel off and the scar is almost not even noticable.  I can't say thank you enough to my surgeon, he is absolute amazing.  He takes care of me physically and emotionally.  He treats me like a human and an adult which I think sometimes they want to treat me as a child since I am so much younger than their "normal" patients.  I'm not normal in any way of word, so why should I be a normal patient! Ha!! I make them laugh, I joke about my condition, and I think sometimes they think I'm just plain looney.  I am sure they are concerned as others are when they hear me talk about what's happening so non-shilantly that I don't take things seriously and understand the overall impact of the situation.  I hate to tell them - I know! Probably better than they realize but I'd rather laugh about it.  Crying about it only depresses me and I hate being depressed.  I saw my grandfather suffer for years with cancer, I saw it eat away at his body taking a physically strong man and break him down to a frail, delicate man.  But his faith remained strong through it all.  I know the effects of cancer all too well and want to avoid that outcome at all costs. 

Went to get my hair trimmed the other day and told my hair stylist that I was thinking of getting some really light highlights put in however if I paid $80 and then found I had to have chemo causing my hair to fall out 2 weeks to the day after the first treatment.... I might be a little pissed and so would the hubby.  So once again..... holding pattern! Ha!! Wow!! Good googly moogly....

We have several blackberry vines around out fence that are domesticated with no thorns but the sweetest things you have ever put in your mouth.  One of them has grown up making a beautiful little shade area for the dogs to hang out.  They are in the process of producing fruit.  I am sooooo excited to see them this year.  Last year I was pulling 3 cups a week of if not more - there were plenty that feel to their rotten death and plenty that went into Chris' belly before I had a chance to grab them - and this year the thing is even bigger.  So... any blackberry recipes you may have, I am ready and willing to try.  If you are close and would like a bag or so blackberries, let us know. I'm afraid they won't ship very well sorry for those elsewhere.  The picture of the whole bush is only a partial of that one bush.  It is MASSIVE! The other one of the other side of the house isn't quite that big but it still puts a bunch of fruit out. 

Quick Update...

I am waiting for my oncologist to consult with oncologists in Chapel Hill about my case to determine if I will have chemo and if so, what kind.  So waiting to hear back about that and then we can start radiation and get that knocked out quickly.

My surgeon said that the tumor came back with clear margins - woo hoo! The means he was able to remove the entire tumor and no additional surgeries at this time.  The side that was against my implant had a clear margin of 3 mm. If you aren't sure of how big that is.... it is freakin' small! 

The last few days have been busy and insane, I'm ready for a little calm time.

Happy Mother's Day

Happy Mother's Day to all the loving mothers of 2 legged and 4 legged children.  Spent the day with the in laws and with my mom.  Busy but fun day. 

In the process decided to try to include my pinky in the meal.  Using a ceramic knife I bought, which turned out to be way way sharp and slices through anything with such ease, my pinky got in the way of slicing some bread.  It didn't bleed at first and then wouldn't stop gushing.  Chris wrapped her up tightly after an hour of gushing.  I can move it so ligaments and muscles seem to be ok but it hurts. 

Prepping for a fun filled busy week - several doctor appointments this week and hopefully more good news to come.  Will continue to smile and laugh and enjoy each day to the fullest...

I'm sooo excited!

Yesterday was a good day.  I was peppy and feeling a lot better.  My incision is starting to heal up and not be so tender finally.  Just waiting on results still. I have a medical oncology appointment Monday and a follow up for the surgery on Wednesday.

This morning I thought I had one baby shower and next week the other baby shower however I was wrong. I have two baby showers today! Fun filled day to come with good people.